Megan Lindsay

Some things.

2010-02-04T17:03:00.002-05:00

Well hello, happy blog reader. It's been a while. I know. I've finally set up my new (also neglected) blog, meganlindsayblog.com so you can check that out if you'd like... I think I'll keep this one around because fewer people know about it and I can kind of be more candid here, I feel.

Training has been good. It's been exhausting. I think I'm suffering from information overload at this point, just trying to stay afloat. I have never felt simultaneously so ready and so unprepared for a task.

I find myself having to retreat to God's word and God's presence frequently. This is so necessary and I'm so thankful that God has brought my heart to this place. I have a habit of writing down my prayers or taking notes to keep myself busy and engaged, which ironically distracts me from the fact that I am interacting with the God of the universe. These past two weeks have made me thirsty for time alone, lying on my bed and pouring out my heart to God. This morning in the middle of a session, I got so overwhelmed with the moral obligations of being a missionary (feeling the need to be perfect, that I am being constantly surveilled and judged) that I had to, just for a moment, get away. While the speaker continued teaching, I opened my Bible to Psalm 63, and as I read, tears filled my eyes as I just took in the beauty and promise of God. This passage completely reflected my heart. David said it much better than I ever could have articulated.

I will fail if I don't spend time meditating on God Himself. If I prioritize trying to do this job well in my own strength, everything crumbles.

I am also SO thrilled to be going to this city. I have checked out some books from our library and I find it to be an intoxicating place already. So, so, so excited. And so happy that this is coming to fruition after years of dreaming, of considering what it would be like to be in missions. I am in it. I am preparing to do what I think I'm made to do... and that makes my heart so... full.

Hope this wasn't TOO candid. Training really is wonderful. It's just hard sometimes.

With love and promise,

Megan

weee!!

2010-01-20T11:33:00.002-05:00

So, the other day I had the amaaazing opportunity to have a portrait session with the lovely Nancy Ray. What a beautiful, talented, encouraging lady she is! I am so blessed to have her in my life. I'm soo excited about the photos! They're so happy and fun and nature-y and I love it!!!

nancyrayblog.com -- check it. And become hooked, because her portraits/weddings are phenomenal.

With love and lots of happy photos to choose from for prayer cards,

Megan

Sigh.

2010-01-18T19:57:00.002-05:00

My life right now is a whirlwind of blessings, giddy smiles, tears, goodbyes, etc.

I'm journaling a lot more... moments are precious and I don't want to forget them.

I tend to get a bit emo these days, so here I am going to list the things I'm looking forward to.

*A fresh beginning.

*Being able to 'nest.' Not that I'll have a family or anything, but I love decorating, and I think it'll be good to create a space of my own when I arrive in Europe. Eee!

*New streets to explore

*Lots of good coffee, from what I hear

*A job that allows me to flex my creative muscles and do what I am really passionate about.

*A people that I can't wait to get to know and serve and show that they are valuable and loved.

*Peace in the fact that God has orchestrated this opportunity perfectly. I can't imagine anything better, and the way this has come about is just unbelievable!

This will be so good. Note to self: don't be so sad!

With love and Jess Ray's new album (download it immediately!),

Megan

2010-01-13T23:26:00.002-05:00

(This goes out to Thomas, who keeps me accountable. Ha!)

Written from memory, ready go:

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body. 1 Cor. 6:19-20.

booyah! Week one.

Updates and a smattering of pretty photos.

2010-01-06T22:51:00.003-05:00

Currently listening to: Mad, Ne-Yo (I know this song is ridiculously old, but I just downloaded it, and I'm listening to it on repeat.)

I don't really have anything particular that I would like to blog about, but it's been a while and I feel neglectful. I also feel like I'm cheating on Blogspot because I'm working on making a new blog for Prague adventures... sorry Blogspot. We've had some good times, and maybe I will still keep up with you.

Here are some highlights in the current life of Megan:

1. I got my wisdom teeth out on Monday. I am awfully chubby-cheeked. It's embarrassing. I'm also sick from the meds and I just want to get better so I can get out of bed and actually see people.

2. Here are my New Year's Resolutions:

Memorize a scripture verse each week and keep up with them, writing them out cumulatively each month.
Create something once a week-- a special photograph, a poem, a recipe, a mug, a painting, whatever. And log it.
Drink a lot of water. It's healthy.

I figure these are all tangible enough. Not like, "Be more mindful of what you eat," or "Exercise more." Runners-up include falling into a responsible/healthy routine, learning how to be a good storyteller, and not letting boys ru(i)n my life. (You see what I did there?) All of which are good goals that I also hope to accomplish.

3. I am leaving for two months of training in Richmond in 19 days!! What in the world. I am so ready/not ready for this. I love the people in my life and I just don't want to let them go yet. But I'm also ready to start a job that I think I will love. It will be so good for me. The timing is just bad in some ways.

4. My mom gave me a little pot of hyacinth, which smells unbelievable and makes me very happy.

5. I like A Fine Frenzy. What wonderful girly music.

6. Here's some fun things that I've come across on the interwebs recently. And I hope you're not offended by the use of the word "hell." I think this comic is hilarious.

With love and talking about weddingy things with Bristol,

Megan

Some little thoughts about the Bible.

2009-12-28T21:28:00.002-05:00

I'm so thankful for the way Scripture refreshes. When I spend time away from it, I get that weak feeling... that feeling I get when I'm too lazy to pack healthy lunches for work and consequently eat nothing but fast food all day... that dehydrated, malnourished, alive-but-not-living-well feeling.

And then I come back to Scripture, and it's like everything falls into place again. This is the way things are supposed to be. God speaks, and I am filled with truth.

While those times away from God's Word are not good, I do return with a certain thirst for it, the kind that results only from separation. Even the simplest words of truth completely alter my perspective.

That's how I'm feeling today... I'm just skimming across the Old Testament, taking in all the goodness of God, His faithfulness to Israel over and over and over again, even when they were so unfaithful. Every instance of His faithfulness strikes me because I know it so well. He is so good to me when I am selfish to the core.

The end.

With love and such,

Megan

I have great people in my life.

2009-12-24T22:11:00.006-05:00

In the past two days, I have experienced so much wonderfulness from my co-workers, who also happen to be dear friends.

This wonderfulness includes a fun manager-approved Dunkin Donuts run, conversations with funny fake accents that maybe went too far (a customer was abruptly greeted with a "HALLO!"), the image of a VERY awkward dance to Earth, Wind and Fire seared into my brain, and lots of hearty laughs in the midst of a very busy and stressful two days.

In short, I love the people I work with. A lot, a lot, a lot, times infinity.

Also on the list of people I think are great: two ladies who sent me Christmas cards with really personal messages (both of which made me cry, and I don't really cry a lot). I'm so thankful to know so many talented and strong ladies and to share life and adventures with them.

Now I have a decorated tree and I am watching The Holiday until I drift off into a deep sleep. I will wake up whenever my littlest brother bursts into my room and declares it is time for me to get up. This usually happens around 7.

And I am so thankful for Jesus. What a beautiful Savior. I can't even wrap my mind around it. And meditating on Him and His birth these past few weeks has been so refreshing.

With love and joy,

Megan

Boo for leaving.

2009-12-13T21:52:00.003-05:00

It's starting to set in that I'm leaving for two years. It is scaring the CRAP out of me.

I think it would have been easier to bolt right out of college, but now that I've settled into a full-time job and doing a lot more with my church and spending lots of time with RDU friends, I have become comfortable. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm called to this writing/photo job (so many things have been orchestrated over the past 8 months or so). It's just going to be really, really, really hard.

I try to focus on what I'm moving toward, not what I'm leaving behind. This is primarily because the thought of leaving my family, my dearest friends and my work-family makes me weep. (No hyperbole here.) I know I will have to face it, and it will SUCK. But I just can't. Not until I have to. Oh darn, now I'm thinking about it and here come the waterworks.

Two years is a long time.

In other news, I decorated my planner through the beginning of February. That always makes me happy. And I cleaned my room a bit. I need a haircut. I need to take photos for my prayer cards. I need to chill out and stop thinking of more things I need to do.

Also, I got a Christmas card today that was super encouraging, and it made me cry. Of course it's from a new, wonderful friend whom I am just getting to know and have to leave in January! Baaah!

With love and trying not to be too sentimental,

Megan

Music confessions and resolutions.

2009-11-29T14:03:00.003-05:00

Maybe it's the fact that I watched Once last night, or maybe it's the fact that I'm feeling inspired, or maybe I'm just bored. But I realized this afternoon how much I miss making music.

In high school I studied and practiced piano and music theory. I was in every choral group our school offered, and I went to NC honors chorus. Music was the thing that drove me, it was a source of energy and peace. It was magical and beautiful.

My last year of college I took voice lessons. It was freeing and difficult and caused me to come out of my shell and let my voice resonate through a concert hall. It felt incredible. And then I graduated and stopped really singing.

Now I just absentmindedly sing in my car. I have accumulated a library of songs on my ipod that makes me feel good, and I can select an album that fits my mood, and that is that.

I used to sit at the piano and hammer away at difficult lines of classical songs. I would plunk out right-hand, left-hand, and finally the slow-and-painful combination of the two until my muscle memory became so fluent that I could breathe deeply, even close my eyes for a moment, and let the music envelop me.

Now I sit at a piano and feel like I never knew how to play at all.

So I guess this is my way of saying I'm going to try to play and make music again.

With love and song,

Megan

2009-11-25T15:37:00.003-05:00

If you want to see a little of what I love to do:

http://carolinaphotojournalism.org/economy/my_homeless_children.php

with love and our project winning CPOY silver (woo!),

Megan

yay for experiencing the whole spectrum of human emotion in about six hours.

2009-11-23T21:43:00.003-05:00

today.

i poured my heart out to God, crying in my car, in the rain.

i laughed with my fantastic co-workers about random things.

i met with a lovely friend who is going to do so many beautiful things with her life.

i learned how freeing it is to move on. i will get there fully.

i got upset that i don't have a boy who cares about me that way.

i sang.

i sang some more.

i got a milkshake.

and i am going to get a full night's sleep.

days like this make me feel really alive.

with love and listening to ingrid michaelson (always wonderful and optimistic),

Megan

Love and long naps.

2009-11-16T18:07:00.003-05:00

I just woke up from a three-hour nap I did not intend to take.

So this evening will be filled with laundry, reading, hot tea, sermon-listening and restless sleep till I wake up at 6 tomorrow. woohoo!

The fact that I'm moving away is starting to freak me out. Maybe it's the fact that I have two months left at home. Or maybe it's just that I'm really happy with life right now. I love the people in it, and I'm getting to know new friends better, and I'm realizing how much I really need my best and oldest friends.

It's hard to find a balance between loving people without reservation, but also allowing myself to be flexible, mobile, somewhat detached. I've always hated the idea of holding back love in the name of self-preservation. But it's going to hurt so much to rip myself away from everything I know.

And that makes me think of this quote that I need to have cross-stitched on a pillow or tattooed on my arm or something:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-- safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." -C.S. Lewis

That would be a really long tattoo. Cross-stitching, it is.

With love and not getting anything productive done today (yet!),

Megan

GSO lists.

2009-11-08T22:34:00.004-05:00

Greensboro always makes me think about what I want to do with my life.

On the list of things to ponder:

Do I want to settle in the U.S.?

Do I want to live in an ever-bustling, trendy and exciting city or out in the country where I can own land and run around in the woods and build a treehouse for my kids?

Do I want to adopt? (I think the answer will be yes.)

On the list of things to do in the next two months:

Read up on American history

Read up on Czech history

Start learning Czech

Learn how to do my makeup

On the list of things to do in the next few years:

Live in CZ

Live in Sweden?

Find a dateable boy

Make my life count for something big.

with love and lists,

Megan

Would it be creepy if...

2009-11-03T20:43:00.005-05:00

I went to campus tomorrow and went to the music building practice rooms and just sang and played piano?

I don't want to be one of those graduates that just friggin' can't let go of being a student and therefore stalks around campus being all creepy and old.

But for reals. I miss Chapel Hill/Carrboro.

I google imaged "creepy old student" and THIS came up. Really?!?!

On the list of things to accomplish tomorrow:

FIX MY BUDGET. Holy crap. I haven't kept track of it at all for the past, oh, two weeks.

Go to the dentist. Hope I don't have any crazy problems. It's been about two years... eek!

Read a bunch while visiting Cafe Driade for what I'm expecting to be a pretty fantastic latte.

Wear fun clothes that I can't normally wear to work under a bright florescent 'avert your eyes' orange t-shirt.

With love and weird ominous swollen lymph nodes,

Megan

Odd and wonderful event of the day

2009-10-31T21:29:00.004-04:00

I hopped out of my car at Starbucks, eagerly anticipating coffee and the new Swell Season album. I wore my boots for the first time this fall, and as I click-clicked down the sidewalk, I admired the cloudy fall weather and contemplated my impending coffee purchase. As I walked toward the door, I saw a man with a long beard sitting at an outdoor table. Interrupting my coffee thoughts (pumpkin spice latte or peppermint mocha? Is it too early for a peppermint mocha? I don't want to get tired of them before December) came an abrupt question from the man at the table.

"You're a Christian, aren't you?"

I was startled. I thought he might have seen the Ichthus on the back of my car, but my car was around the corner.

"What?" I managed to blurt out.

"A born-again believer. A Christian."

"Oh... yes, why do you ask?"

"Something about you, your mannerisms, when you walked by, I could tell."

I was completely taken aback. I didn't know what to say. He went on to say that he went to church nearby, and he spoke about how God equips us all with different gifts, and that they need to be exercised. He told me not to be afraid to speak truth into the lives of other people.

Mainly, I just nodded my head. Normally, these kinds of situations would freak me out. But oddly enough, I was incredibly encouraged. He let me go on my way (and first prayed for me), but I was just so surprised by that encounter. I think he's part of a church whose character is much different than that of my church, but his words were full of scripture and humility. I was just really glad to have that conversation with a total stranger.

Currently watching: Once. Very halloween-appropriate, huh?

Obsessively listening to: The Swell Season's new album. Beauuuuty.

Currently wanting: to be more confident in sharing what I believe. I fear misrepresenting the Gospel/appearing ignorant. SO much. There is so much I don't know or understand.

Currently reading: Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It's pretty fantastic.

with love and an uneventful halloween (except for that I dressed up as a gangster rapper yesterday with dreds and all, that was pretty fun, except apparently I looked more like Avril Lavigne... fail...),

Megan

Purpose

2009-10-24T18:24:00.002-04:00

"This is what I was made to do."

I've never had that feeling before. Ever. During college, I always second-guessed my choices of majors. (Photojournalism and psychology? Really, you're going to find a job with that dynamic duo?)

I didn't really want to work for a newspaper. I didn't really want to do weddings forever (as much as I love them, I just don't feel a strong passion that will keep me in that field for very long). I wasn't sure about pursuing counseling, because that's a lot of schoolin' and money for a job I'm not sure I want to do forever.

This week, all doubt is removed from my mind regarding what I will be doing for the next two years, and maybe beyond.

Job title: writer/editor/photographer

Location: the Czech Republic

The job itself is going to be freakin' incredible. And beyond that, God has totally put European peoples on my heart recently. I think eventually I would like to be in Stockholm. But for the next two years, Praha, I'm yours.

Fact of the day: the Czech Republic is the most atheistic country in Europe. With its turbulent history, I am a bit overwhelmed.

This week I had the privilege of meeting a lot of really great girls and guys with the same heart for the nations. I've never experienced anything like it, and this diversity-loving lady was PSYCHED to see God orchestrate their passions and destinations.

I am way excited about the days to come. But way sad to think that in three months I have to say hundreds of goodbyes.

with love and purpose,

Megan

To do, to do.

2009-10-16T23:28:00.004-04:00

Baaah I leave for conference in two days!!!

To do:

Budget for these next two weeks, pay off credit card and take into account the fact that I will be without a week of income!

Read, read, read, read like a maniac!

Laundry!

Pack!

Travel playlist!

Go to work!

Oh boy.

And when I come back, I run ten miles! I have proven to myself that I CAN make it this far, so I'm way stoked.

With love and excitement,

Megan

Warning: This is probably mean, but I'm frustrated, dangit!

2009-10-13T23:16:00.004-04:00

To be honest, few things really offend me. But this made me furious all day long.

A customer came in to the store today with an iMac that didn't work. He told me he worked for a particular church. I told him that we do repairs by appointment basis, and that I could book him the next available appointment in two hours.

Initiate freakout. This customer went on a self-entitled rant how an appointment system is stupid, how Apple doesn't care about its customers, and then proceeded to call his co-worker and loudly give a diatribe (making sure I could hear him) about how I was being "snooty."

Of course, he eventually calmed down and took the earliest available appointment, and made a weak attempt to cover himself ("You were just doing your job... but Apple is just practicing bad business, blah blah blah")

So he went on his merry way, and I was totally angry. It's one thing for a customer to be rude-- this happens on a very regular basis. But for you to tell me that you work on LEADERSHIP at a CHURCH, and then proceed to loudly insult me on the phone to your friend... that is NOT okay.

What an awful representation of the gospel. I hate that people experience this all the time, because it is not fair, and it is not Christ. I know we're imperfect people and we are inevitably going to be somewhat hypocritical because we represent a holy God... but come on. You've gotta work harder than giving childish tirades when your wants are not immediately accommodated.

Just a rant. I'm done now.

With love and wanting to make a t-shirt that says "be nice,"

Megan

holy crap!!!

2009-10-12T21:18:00.011-04:00

My best friend is engaged!!!!!! It's about freakin time :)

We are some high-class broads. This picture was taken like 5 years ago; perhaps we've matured since then?

Nah.

Also, I was a second-shooter for a wedding this past weekend. It was nice to shoot again for the first time in a month or so. Maybe one day I will format photos for web. Instead, they are a bit washed out. Oops!

I know a lot of people don't like reception photos because of low light and such. But I think reception photos are my favorites!! I love how everyone loosens up and becomes more expressive and comfortable. Including myself, because I don't have to worry about being a distraction during the ceremony or posing shots. I can just walk around and have fun and document.

(He spun her around. It was adorable.)

Fin.

With love and now my text is centered but I'm way too lazy to do anything about it,

Megan

For the first time in such a long, long time

2009-10-07T13:55:00.005-04:00

I know I'll be ok.

photocred

I went through a lot of crap this summer. It was all self-inflicted. And God is mercifully showing me just how broken I am, and how beloved I am. And, even when things look entirely bleak and miserable, they do get better!

And what an inexplicable joy it is to now be in pursuit of God instead of running from Him, to actually reciprocate in this love-relationship with Him. And I'm starting to feel a refreshed love for Europe and for the gospel and for life. God, help me to remember how much I need You.

I can't wait for candidate conference!

With love and books (I have made far too many book purchases this week),

Megan

2009-10-03T11:23:00.003-04:00

I keep starting the beginnings of blog posts, but then I save them as drafts and move on.

I feel as though I have nothing very important to say.

Currently, I am feeling: a bit overwhelmed, a bit unprepared, a bit sentimental because I know my time at home is winding down.

I feel the need to read anything that comes into my path. My thoughts and insights are not enough, and I am hungry for perspective and diversity.

Bleh!

I hope you enjoyed reading this mix of incoherent sentences.

With love and new glasses,

Megan

I'd like to be Alice.

2009-09-28T00:51:00.003-04:00

photo cred

And... breathe.

This photo reminds me of Alice (in Wonderland). Looking up through the daisies-- you know.

Today I ran nine miles.

Today I fell more in love with little old North Raleigh and its farms and fields and horses and curvy roads.

Today I watched too many episodes of the O.C.

Today I listened to a sermon on the majesty of God. I am praying for awareness.

This week I was encouraged by a new friend who has recently been through the primary thing I am struggling with right now. To hear someone convincingly say, "You can do it!" and to check up with me through the week nearly brings me to tears. To overcome this thing that has burdened my heart all summer would be such a great victory.

It's something I have to let go, but I don't want to.

With love and hope,

Megan

Notes.

2009-09-23T23:46:00.002-04:00

summer breeze, originally uploaded by yu+ichiro.

Notes to self:
don't wish summer away.
don't wish your singleness away.
don't wish your time in the States away.

I am having such a difficult time with submission lately. I KNOW that my response to God's love for me should be to abandon all the selfish crap I cling to and immerse myself in loving God. But, for some reason, I feel like I can't. I feel really weak and rebellious and I hate it.

I wish it was easier to trust.

Note to self: find the thin line between discipline and beating yourself up over things.

With love and wanting to hike in the mountains and/or live inside this photo please,
Megan

This Saturday evening...

2009-09-12T19:40:00.006-04:00

I may or may not be out living it up and doing something terribly exciting.

I also may or may not be sitting in the little haven that is the room above the garage, watching The Sound of Music whilst editing photos, reading about Prague and cutting out pages from old issues of Real Simple, Domino and J. Crew catalogues to paste in my planner.

Great things that happened this week:

I got the official invitation to October's Candidate Conference (next step to Eastern Europe! Pure joy for something to finally be set in stone!)
I got medical insurance!
I went to the first week of Financial Peace University and started budgeting. I haven't yet torn my hair out from the frustration that normally ensues when I think too hard about finances, so I consider this a small victory.

Very sad things that happened this week:

It's starting to hit me that two years is a very long time to be away from everyone I know and love.
My great-grandfather, who was one of the most interesting and eloquent men I have ever met, died yesterday. He had a stroke this week that left him unable to speak, which broke my heart more than anything, because my favorite thing to do when our family got together for Christmas, Easter, July 4, etc. was to listen to him. His prayers before meals were beautiful and proper, and his stories were always compelling and full of hilarious dry humor. Grandpa Fred was English, served in Britain's Royal Air Force, and because of industrialization was itching to get out of London. One thing that I loved about him was that he remembered me and the fact that I love Europe. After I returned from Italy, he was always urging me to read The Broker (by John Grisham, I think?) because it took place in Italy, and it made him think of me. I don't typically expect relatives in their 80s to remember my name, much less the fact that I love Italy and I speak Italian, so I would know some of the phrases that most people wouldn't understand in John Grisham's book. He was very thoughtful, and I am going to miss him so much.

Of course, his death also got my head spinning. How fortunate I am to be alive and, (God willing) to have years and years ahead of me to have adventures that I will one day tell my grandchildren about.

With love and making plans to train my children to sing like the Von Trapps,

Megan

Wandering + Nesting

2009-09-06T00:52:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I wish I could live multiple lives. I wish I could experience all facets of humanity for myself. I want my life to be a hodgepodge of adventure and joy and hurt and beauty and grittiness and poverty and peace, but I know I'll need some stability-- I'll want to nest. Maybe one day I'll be ready for that.

This photo from The Selby (love of my life/time waster to the max) makes me wish I lived a rugged, rural lifestyle (even though I know this is in NYC...) I just love the texture and the earthiness of this office.

And then so much of me wants to live in Sweden for some amount of time, because everyone is so friendly and happy, and everything is stylish and beautiful. People carry themselves differently there.

I want to live life in the city and out in nature. I want to be a nomad and a good wife. I don't want to grow bored.

Also, Psalm 105 is wonderful, and it chronicles the goodness of God to His people and I love it.

with love and dreams and scripture,

Megan

2009-08-31T01:58:00.004-04:00

One thing that upsets me is when people don't realize their worth.

Especially when they are obviously brilliant.

I just want to make uninterrupted eye contact and ask, "Do you even know how valuable you are?"

It rips me up. I don't quite know why.

With love and rain,

Megan

2009-08-27T22:28:00.005-04:00

(Oh dear, another fantastic blog I will be addicted to)

Umm, could I live here, please?

Right now I'm sitting on my floor. I am le tired. And I'm praying that God will meet my financial needs for the fall.

I'm excited, because I am running a 10-mile race in late October with some wonderful ladies from my Bible Study. I think it will be really good to have a tangible fitness goal like this, plus I'll be running in lovely Durham during the lovely fall. Although I'm sure I'll be huffing and puffing and whatnot. So I'm starting training tomorrow morning!

Thing is, this race cost $42 to run, I need to buy a good pair of running shoes (which will put me back about $60). Plus I'm probably taking a 13-week financial class at church, which will be $100, and I'm just not sure about this whole grownup moneymaking/spending thing.

I wish things didn't cost so dang much.

But right now I will lay in bed and read The Time Traveler's Wife and get up at 7 a.m. and run like the wind.

Run, Forrest, Run.

With love and goals,

Megan

August 25 Resolutions

2009-08-25T23:36:00.002-04:00

I will not waste time on technology that does not benefit my life. This means not checking Facebook without purpose and checking e-mail once a day (unless there's something pressing).

When I am bored, I will do something productive. I will read or write or memorize scripture or paint or go running or do something worth doing.

I will memorize more scripture.

I will be committed to God and work work work to stop being so stubborn and selfish.

I will embrace the seriousness of my future job abroad as well as the adventurous side. I am here to serve and pour out myself, not check off amazing life experiences.

Also learn to manage my money! Hooray!

With love and a day off tomorrow (phew!),

Megan

Ok I'm back.

2009-08-18T11:00:00.003-04:00

Because my little corner of the internet is for me, really. And I like getting things out into words.

My room is clean. That never happens. And I've finally hung up my string of flower lights, and I can see the floor, and life is good.

I finished The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Sometimes I thought it was brilliant, and sometimes I thought Czech authors are weird.

Now I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife so I can go and watch it having read the book, even though the book will be better than the movie.

I am a firm believer in using images to tell a story (Hi, My name is Megan, and I'm a photojournalism major), but I think that descriptive words often help you imagine a place or a feeling better than an image can. The image just lays it out in front of you, but words immerse you and make you construct an image in your head. You're actually there-- you build the setting around yourself. I have this eerie image of the moors of England because I read The Hound of the Baskervilles, and in my mind I stood and watched events unfold upon the dark, dewy, foggy, lonely moors of England. But I don't think that you could ever recreate that image in my mind by showing me a photograph or a movie clip, no matter how foggy and eerie and mysterious it looked.

I like books.

With love and string lights,

Megan

2009-08-12T22:55:00.003-04:00

I feel like my blogging is just white internet noise. I don't really care to read what I've written after I've written it.

Either that or I go on a diatribe, preaching at myself.

Neither of which are really beneficial to post online.

Hm.

Missing school.

2009-08-12T12:26:00.003-04:00

I'm a total photojournal failure. I just don't have time at the moment. Maybe 5 photos a week?

This summer has been really sweet. Lots of beach trips, visiting new places (Charleston, I love you!) and lots of days lounging by the pool with lovely friends.

Now as everyone preps to go back to school (which includes a lot of my post-grad friends, because they're all teachers!) I am coming to realize things will never be quite the same again. Everyone's making these huge life transitions-- getting married, moving across the country, starting full-time jobs-- and I will be out of the country, probably by March.

This fall is going to be especially hard because I don't have a fresh semester of classes ahead of me. I'm a nerd, and I really like going to school. I like the Target run for school supplies, the purchasing of hundreds of dollars worth of textbooks, the syllabi, the rush of motivation at the beginning of the semester that only lasts about two weeks. It's like some weird academic high for me, and it's really sad to me that I'm not doing it anymore. At least not for a few years.

But hopefully I will be working more, and watching as my dear friends find jobs and start doing what they love. Throw in some trips to the mountains during the fall, some pretty scarves and crisp fall air, and I think I'll be able to look past the fact that I'm done with school.

With love and autumn approaching,

Megan

I would like to be here right now.

2009-08-10T23:59:00.004-04:00

Beach., originally uploaded by Farfalla Fiorentina.

This photo is cut off but I'm too lazy to fix it.

The ocean is the most soothing/invigorating thing in the world to me. I could just lay in the sun, covered in salt water with sand in my hair, indefinitely.

Sometimes I wish I could take a picture just with my eyes-- without having to crop anything out. Last week I was lying on the beach on my stomach, with my head cradled in my arm. I opened my eyes to see my hair reflecting the sun,and beyond my hair was the shoreline, dotted with umbrellas. I wanted to photograph it, but I could never get the same shot unless I threw my hair in front of the lens and fashioned my arm around the camera to get the silhouette of my arm framing the image.

I think sometimes when I'm taking photographs, it takes me out of the experience. It's as if I'm not really there, that I'm watching the world through a documenting device, not experiencing that thing for myself.

Just thoughts. I want to go to the beach.

With love and still craving Krispy Kreme,
Megan

Please note my dedication.

2009-08-09T21:38:00.002-04:00

Photojournal, you are a big step for me.

These photos aren't very exciting. I need to do better at taking my camera with me places. And taking photos of people. I haven't done that since I graduated! I suck at life.

With love and a day off (finally),

Megan

Shadows, Krispy Kreme kravings.

2009-08-08T22:01:00.003-04:00

You see what I did there?

This photo is a combination of dying flowers in my room and my ghettofabulous lamp which right now consists of a stand and a bare lightbulb.

Weird shadows.

shadows!, originally uploaded by Farfalla Fiorentina.

Tax-free weekend might be the death of me.

I bought Pumas today. They make my ginormo feet look tiny.

I want Krispy Kreme like right now.

With love and going to bed at 10:00 on a Saturday like an old, old grandma,
Megan

About that...

2009-08-07T22:50:00.004-04:00

Photojournal starts today.

This is from Charleston. It's boring but I like the calmness.

Yesterday it was brought to my attention just how sinful my heart is. I was talking to some friends a few nights ago, and I confessed something I had done. But the ugly thing is that I was proud of it.

I got home and opened my Bible, disgusted at myself. I painfully identified with, "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." And I came across this Psalm:

Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven,

Whose sins are covered.

Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;

My strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord--"

And you forgave the guilt of my sin.

Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found;

Surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.

You are my hiding place;

You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.

I will counsel you and watch over you.

Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.

Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.

Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;

Sing, all you who are upright in heart!

I love all the enveloping phrases... "surround me with songs of deliverance" describes exactly where I want to be, ya know?

And what a joy that we find this enveloping love of God when we unveil our weakness to Him.

I think the church could stand to be way more forgiving. I have found myself so afraid of making mistakes, and when I do make them I make a frenzied attempt at covering them up. So then we live in false fellowship, and that's not beneficial to anybody. Vulnerability and sharing in the sanctification experience, please!!

That's all. This is probably really vague and nonsensical, but whatevs.

With love and songs of deliverance,

Megan

Goal.

2009-08-04T01:28:00.001-04:00

Starting tomorrow. Photojournal. Every day. At least one photo.

I started to do this in Intermediate Photo, but then dropped the class and dropped the goal.

Here's to following through and maybe organizing my life a bit.

With love and a new dress,

Megan

Blog update fail.

2009-07-29T00:42:00.004-04:00

Here is an abbreviated version of an update on my life.

1. God is wonderful, and he causes me to heal. I totally resonate with the dozens of Psalms that say something along the lines of, "I called to Him, and He answered me." He totally rescued me from myself.

2. I have been working more recently. Getting out of the house and being productive is great for my life. Sitting around the house gets me in a very awful mood. I need to be out DOING things. Dad and I discussed this, and he is the same way.

3. Get me to Prague. Like now. I'm so ready!

3b: But I need to be where I am now. Emily and I talked about this. Don't wish your life away.

4. JOY BLINSON, I MEAN PRICE, IS TOTALLY A MOM! CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE IT.

5. My lenses have been sitting at Southeastern Camera for like 2 weeks because I don't have the money to pay for their repairs to get them back. I hate money!!!!

6. I'm going to Charleston with some lovely girls this weekend. Cannot wait!

With love and bad skin (for reals, shouldn't this have ended by 11th grade!?),

Megan

Bonus Features:

Quote that sums up my life right now: "Yay! After all this time of hating them, we like boys!" -Rachel

2009-07-18T20:50:00.004-04:00

For real. Someone stole my future sunflowery-yellow-outdoorsy-with-twinkle-lights-around-dusk wedding. Like, all of it. Only mine will be slightly more colorful with slightly fewer sunflowers.

That's pretty much the only difference.

Just look. And look how beautiful!!!

That whole blog is just full of eye candy. I'm a fan.

With love and weddings (Mary Hannah got married today, yaaaay!!),

Megan

Think happy thoughts.

2009-07-13T18:02:00.005-04:00

Sometimes you just need a happy summer collage to lift your spirits. And a scone from Great Harvest bakery.

1. Handle and Spout, 2. fia6, 3. where to go next?, 4. ., 5. cargo glass, 6. Untitled, 7. I'm trying to hide the pain, 8. -stockholm-090502_2194 copy, 9. Untitled

(Those hairpins in the first photo: I will one day buy them and wear them always)

Things that are getting me through this rut:

-Thoughts of Prague, even if I won't get there until next March

-Reading through Proverbs with my church and small group

-The color yellow

-Going outside

-Coffee

-Thoughts of visiting Scandinavia

-Keeping a mindset of freedom.

Right now I'm living at home, which I thought I could handle, but it's driving me crazy. I'm used to being constantly on the move at college, living in my own apartment and keeping my own schedule without a lot of worry about money.

Now I'm constrained by my falling-apart-car and lack of income, and I know I'm putting stress on my family financially as I'm having to spend my little income on photo equipment repairs, etc.

And I have to keep telling myself, just think about freedom. Think about how you'll have an incredible job, albeit six months from now. Think about how you will be living on your own in a new country.

With love and praying I can somehow come up with the money to take a Czech class this fall,

Megan

I feel funny.

2009-07-11T23:53:00.004-04:00

Right now, I feel like David after the Dentist. Sluggish and in a blur and, "Why is this haaappening to me? Is this gonna be forever?"

I'm generally a happy person. But this week, I am just in a rut. I talked to God about it. It was strange for me to just say to Him the words, "I'm sad." And it sucks not to be able to control how I feel. I'm sad about things I cannot change, things that shouldn't matter to me anymore.

It doesn't help that I'm probably going to be in Raleigh till January, which is longer than I originally planned.

So I'm doing what I can to take my mind off of things. Right now that looks like hot tea and reading some Milan Kundera (sketchy, but brilliant).

With love and a bit of heaviness,

Megan

Sometimes

2009-07-09T01:00:00.002-04:00

I do not know where to draw the line between being vulnerable and sharing tooo much information on my little ole blog.

I'll post something, then come back later and be all, "really, Megan? Was that necessary?"

Working on it!

With love and new Sharpies that said on the shelf $3 but were actually $12 when I got to the register and I was too embarrassed to put them back (darn you Wal*Mart!),

Megan

Weddings!

2009-07-07T00:30:00.006-04:00

I have feverishly been editing weddings and designing albums for Annie for the past few days. I never realized that wedding photo editing would be nearly as exhausting as photo story editing. Here's a wee bit of what's to come!

And let me know what you think about the beginnings-of-a-logo-that-I-drew-myself-so-it's-really-not-all-that-incredible above!

With love and new things,

Megan

1, 2, 3, Jump.

2009-07-06T01:10:00.004-04:00

Farmer's market, originally uploaded by Farfalla Fiorentina.

(I went to the Farmer's Market on Saturday. It was magical. Like in the ranks with Disney World. I just think there's something so earthy and beautiful about farmers bringing together produce that they planted, nurtured and harvested from their own land.)

This evening has been dedicated to trying to figure out a design/theme and logo for my website and blog.

It's the first step in my "Don't Be Afraid of Failure" plan. Today I finished editing photos from the second wedding I ever shot. They weren't stellar, and I was bummed. I realized that, if I want to get anywhere, I need to be willing to throw myself out there and make mistakes so I can learn and fix them! Holding back is a sure-fire way for me to stay mediocre.

So. I am taking the advice of some lovely people and sprucing up my website, creating an Etsy page to sell prints, and establishing a logo and cohesive theme for my little fledgling business, if you can even call it that.

With love and establishing myself as an artist or photographer or something,
Megan

The biggest adventure of my life thus far. Sorry I never blogged it.

2009-07-04T01:24:00.015-04:00

This is a long post. But it involves me hitchhiking and nearly being stranded in southern Italy, so it has potential to be interesting. And it involves this place:

This morning, I went through my routine (established recently) of waking around 10, grabbing fruit for breakfast and heading upstairs to what I have now deemed "my office," the room above the garage which has become a really peaceful retreat. I opened my laptop and checked my e-mail (something I have become all too obsessed with). It's like the real mail, but more frequent. You hope to find something personal, something to brighten your day or some update you've been waiting on. *Cough* updates from the IMB about training *cough* But usually I get coupons to Borders and reminders from mint.com that your account is dangerously low. (Since when is $117 dangerously low? Mint.com, you don't know my life!!)

But THIS morning was one of those mornings that delighted me.

I had a facebook message (written in Italian) from a gentleman from Roccanova, Italia, who I learned is a Viola (family!). I quickly mustered my rusty Italian skills to reply to his message. I was so excited to have a little slice of Italy back in my life. This reminded me that I don't think I ever blogged about my Roccanova experience-- only THE singular most meaningful travel adventure of my life thus far. The full story usually takes me about twenty minutes to tell, so I'll make this a simplified version.

My freshman year of college, I took a first-year-seminar that was essentially a huge family history project. We spent the whole semester tearing through census records, conducting interviews with grandparents and compiling information about our genealogies. I was

particularly fascinated with my paternal grandmother's family, the Viola family. They immigrated to the U.S. from Italy in 1888. Gaitano (I think-- I don't have my notes with me) was a musician from a tiny town called Roccanova in the province of Basilicata in southern Italy.

When I studied in Florence in Fall 2007, I thought it would be really great if I could make it there as a sort of "pilgrimage," to take photos and see the town my family hails from-- maybe even meet some Violas if they still lived there. So in November, I got the guts to purchase a bus ticket to Senise, a nearby town. I would then take a local bus to Roccanova. No one could put up the 80 euro to come with me, so it was just me, traveling nine hours by bus to rural southern Italy. As I boarded the bus from Florence, I was terrified. I watched the familiarity slip away until I drifted into sleep on the overnight bus.

At 7 a.m., the bus dropped us off at a gas station on the side of a bypass. I figured it was right outside of Senise, and that I could walk to catch the next bus. I stepped into the gas station's bar and ordered a cappuccino. As I stirred sugar into my coffee, I asked the bartender where I could catch the bus to Roccanova. His reply?

"Non c'e."

There is no bus.

I am nine hours away from Florence on the side of an Italian highway. No one here speaks English, and the Italian spoken in the south is pretty different from that spoken in the north. Initiate freakout.

"Can I walk to Roccanova?"

"No. It's a dozen kilometers away."

That's when a gentleman offered to give me a ride. He was going to Roccanova anyway. I realized this was my only means of making the trip worthwhile. So I said, "ok" and for the first time in my life I hitchhiked.

When I got to Roccanova, I was introduced to a guy named Ernesto. He took me to the town center. We flipped through dozens of handwritten record books, searching for any records of my ancestors. Finally we stumbled upon the record of Matildo Leonardo Viola. The record even indicated that his father was a musician (which I had gathered in the research I did for class).

So Ernesto took me to a restaurant, the owner of which was a Viola himself. We talked and figured out how our families were connected (one brother way back when stayed in Roccanova, while the other immigrated to the States-- we're descended from their respective families). So I ate lunch with their family, and they fed me TONS of homemade pasta and cookies, and I made my way back to Senise with a ton of photos and some serious joy from meeting family I never knew existed, in a tiny town where my great-great-great grandfather grew up.

Thennn it got interesting!!!

I got a ride with Ernesto back to Senise, and I had like 7 hours to kill before the bus picked me up. I called the bus company just to make sure I was waiting in the right place, and the woman on the phone told me to wait in the piazza with the fountain. (Ok, it's a small town, and in the center there's a piazza with a fountain. Check.) Because it was cold outside, I went into a few bars and restaurants ordering pizza or tea, just to stay warm. I ended up in a bar where two women just started talking to me. (In my experience, Italian women had never expressed any interest in speaking with me.) So we talked about where I'm from, and about my adventure that day. When I spoke to them further, they realized I was waiting for the overnight bus back to Firenze.

Angela, who was pregnant and actually owned the bar, said, "You know the bus doesn't come into the city, right?"

"Umm... what?"

"The bus comes to an old piazza with a fountain outside the city. It's not safe for you to walk out there alone, in the dark."

"Umm... what?"

At this point, the women's husbands and a few other friends show up. They were about to go to Angela's house for dinner. One of Angela's friends used my phone to call the bus company. Sure enough, the bus would arrive at the deserted piazza outside of town, in the dark.

I excused myself briefly and went into the bar's tiny bathroom, where I promptly hyperventilated and fought back tears of stress and fear. Aside from the fact that I hadn't spoken a word of English all day, I was nine hours away from anything familiar. I was so afraid.

I came back out slightly more composed, and Angela said, "Come to our house for dinner, and we will give you a ride to the bus."

Still terrified, I nodded and smiled. I was relieved at the generosity of these strangers, but super nervous. It's typically a no-no to hitchhike and chill at a stranger's house, but I knew that I would be able to trust these people. Especially Angela, who was sweet, friendly, and who exhibited such an innocent curiosity about my life.

So I hopped in their car and went to their home. It was remarkably similar to an American home-- lots of picture frames and bookshelves, a dining room table, etc. We sat around and talked (I attempted to talk and take things in with my somewhat limited Italian skills). They cooked an UNBELIEVABLE meal of fresh bread and seafood pasta. The men skinned and cut up the fish (including those tiny octopi) and cooked them in the fireplace. It was such a sweet gathering of friends for what seemed like a weekly dinner-- each person brought something, and they all cooked together. After talking over dinner, Angela and her friend Nicholas drove me to the bus stop. I felt a huge surge of relief when the bus pulled up, with "Firenze" glowing in red letters above the driver's seat. Home. I hugged my new friends goodbye and made it back home to Florence in one piece!!!

(Seriously, I would have been stranded if not for divine providence and incredibly generous Italians. Best adventure ever. Also gave my mom a near heart attack.)

With love and glad for adventures,

Megan

Endeavors in lightning photos, self-doubt, etc.

2009-07-02T01:45:00.003-04:00

Endeavors in lightning photos, originally uploaded by Farfalla Fiorentina.

After celebrating a friend's certification as an R.N., I drove home around midnight, windows down. As I drove, I kept seeing beautiful scenes that I wanted to capture with my camera: backlit steam rising from wet pavement, an old shed lit by a single bulb in the middle of a dark field, a deer grazing along the side of the road. When I got home, I decided to try for some lightning photos. This is the best I came up with. It looks like silly string, but whatevs. It's a start.

On my way home from a portrait session this afternoon (my first family session, and not one with stellar results), I drove past the Duke campus. My mind instantly flashed back to my senior year of high school, when college applications and entrance essays were at the forefront of my mind. I only applied to two schools: State and Carolina. And I graduated with a double-major in photojournalism and psychology. I didn't graduate from college with an incredible GPA, but I worked like crazy throughout school. But driving past the Duke campus made me wonder, what if I had worked harder? What if I had applied to other schools? What if I had graduated with a 3.5 or a 4.0? I could have gotten into an incredible graduate program if I had focused more on my grades. I called my mom and she quickly talked some sense into me, "you are doing what you love, what you are made to do," she said.

I know that my education continues throughout the rest of my life. I know I can educate myself by reading and really living. And I know that God has beautiful things for me, and in those things, I can create the kind of life I want. I just wonder what my life would have been like if I'd done things differently.

I am quite certain that I will love my new job. I am so ready for October to be here so I can hit the ground running with it.

I may not make sense at all.

I just started a Beth Moore study. I'm real excited about the Old Testament.

With love and lightning,
Megan

Today was a good day.

2009-06-24T21:31:00.001-04:00

Haven, originally uploaded by Farfalla Fiorentina.

I did the following:
Got up, pinned my hair back and put on a new outfit.
Got bagel and coffee at Panera on the way to Durham.
Learned how to do portraits with Annie's portable studio equipment
Learned that I'm getting business cards, and am now officially an "Associate Photographer" of Annie Harrison (how fancy!)
Quit my job as a waitress, because 1. I am an awful waitress, and 2. I make no money there
Drank a peach milkshake (although I was disappointed because Cookout has yet to start making watermelon milkshakes)
Went to Rachel's house and watched TV and chillaxed and it felt like summer
Rode in Rachel's sister's NEW CONVERTIBLE BUG. Oh my gosh, the FREEDOM AND WONDERFULNESS that is riding in a convertible!!!! Hollly. When I come back from Europe and my car is likely dead (he has 170,000 miles on him and he's acting funny) I will seriously consider this.
On the way home I was really pensive. I examined my life as of late, and tried to decide what has been bugging me concerning boys and singleness and the idea of relationships and life. I ended up driving past my house and going out to Wake Forest. I got out of the car and took pictures in a grove of tall pine trees, and it was refreshing when I finally got in the middle of this grove. It was just me. I couldn't see the road, and it was just me and the trees and the sun and it was nice. I think I might make it a habit to get out into nature alone.

I am currently cleaning my room. Then I will make fresh salsa (really just cut up tomatoes, avocado and peppers with lime juice) and watch the OC.

GREAT DAY!

With love and goodness,
Megan

The following passages/lyrics resonate with me lately.

2009-06-23T16:51:00.009-04:00

Francie stood on tiptoe and stretched her arms wide. "Oh, I want to hold it all!" she cried. "I want to hold the way the night is-- cold without wind. And the way the stars are so near and shiny. I want to hold all of it tight until it hollers out, 'Let me go! Let me go!'"

"Don't stand so near the edge," said Neeley, uneasily. "You might fall off the roof."

"I need someone," thought Francie desperately. "I need someone. I need to hold somebody close. And I need more than this holding. I need someone to understand how I feel at a time like now. And the understanding must be a part of the holding." -A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, p. 404

"The last time of anything has the poignancy of death itself. 'This that I see now,' she thought, 'to see no more this way. Oh, the last time how clearly you see everything; as though a magnifying light had been turned on it. And you grieve because you hadn't held it tighter when you had it every day.'" -A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, p. 476

"We sell our love like it was fresh lemonade, we yell as cars go by. Run up to strangers as we tug at their coats and plead with them to try." -Speechwriters, LLC

Everything's aglow with the light of a million fairies!

2009-06-23T11:24:00.002-04:00

grander than sea and sky..., originally uploaded by nicholei [trying to catch up...].

I have an irrational love for the beach. I tell people that the beach makes me feel akin to Alec Baldwin in that episode of Friends where he's overly excited about EVERYTHING. You know the one.

It's just a combination of all these wonderful tiny things happening simultaneously. And I want to list them because maybe it will feel like I'm back at the beach.

-The ocean. It's so huge and miraculous and calming to me.
-The feeling of calm/smallness when you're in the ocean looking out, and you see nothing but vast, vast ocean and sky. Especially if the clouds are good.
-Tan lines
-Sun warming your skin
-Constant cooling breeze
-Getting out of the cold water and laying in the sun to dry off
-Salty, sandy, messy hair
-Those partly cloudy days where the sun bakes you, but then a cloud comes and gives you a little bit of shade and cool.
-Tiny children strutting around in the sand!!!
-Seashells
-Getting into a lovely book
-The range of motion you have when you're swimming.
-Jumping over really big waves, or swimming through them
-When you lay on your stomach and close your eyes, and you get the ambient sound of the ocean, families playing and lifeguards whistling at people to get away from the pier

I really love that life is dotted with these moments-- things that are really beautiful. I am starting to get past my materialistic self a little bit and see that I don't have to buy a shirt or a pair of earrings at Target to have something pretty. I can take it in everywhere, and if I have my camera, I can preserve that moment of beauty forever.

Just thoughts.

With love and finishing A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (FINALLY!),
Megan

Boo cliques, yay love.

2009-06-19T00:12:00.004-04:00

I think it's funny how we think we know so much about loving people. Because, clearly, we are not doing it right.

My Bible Study was in Mark 9 this week, and our discussion landed on verses 36-37: "Taking a child, He set him before them, and taking him in His arms, He said to them, 'Whoever receives (welcomes) one child like this in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me does not receive Me, but Him who sent Me.'"

First of all, "welcome" in the Greek here means to care for, finding out their story and meeting their needs-- not just greeting them and moving on with life. And we're supposed to welcome them in Christ's name-- love them in the way He loves. One girl in my small group put it like this: Christ valued each of us enough to lay down His life for us. If we love in that kind of way, we should treat others as if we owe them our lives.

That means sacrificial giving. That means seeking out peoples' needs and meeting them-- the hungry, the poor, the sick, even the overtly self-righteous and ungrateful. Treating everyone with the kind of honor and respect that Christ Himself deserves.

Who does this?? Not me.

Can you imagine what the church would look like if we all did this? Christianity wouldn't have such a bad rap, and people would want to be a part of this kind of community. More importantly, we would ACTUALLY be reflecting the love of Christ, which is the way it SHOULD be!

ALSO, while I'm on my interwebs soapbox, someone brought up the point that corporate worship (i.e. Sunday morning) is not meant to be social time. Churches tend to be so clique-y! So get to know people, welcome those who are new, encourage and minister to your congregation. Have social hour some other time during the week, and include people!

What this means for Megan:

-getting over my fear of people; introducing myself to strangers at church-- I went to The Summit for months and had no one to sit with. I knew no one. It sucks, and I know there must be lots of visitors who feel that way right now. I need to be that person that I needed, if that makes sense.

-Honor people, and seek to meet their needs, not mine. Serve, dangit!

-Go above and beyond in taking people in/caring for them. Make sure people know they are loved and accepted. Pour out myself.

Sigh. I feel like God intends for the Church to be so much different than it actually is. So much more of a community. I adore my church, and I think it does a fantastic job of outreach. But I feel like, as God's people as a whole, we're so far from being a serious community of true servants.

Take care of widows and orphans.

Love love love love love.

With love and too many thoughts at too late at night,

Megan

Recover.

2009-06-15T18:03:00.004-04:00

Breakfast, originally uploaded by Farfalla Fiorentina.

Hi, my name's Megan, and I'm a Carolina graduate who can't even wait tables.

Today was a recovery day. I worked at my new job all weekend (I'm a server at The Twisted Fork), and last night proved that I am the worst waitress ever. I totally screwed up a man's whole meal, and I felt like a total moron. It was really, really bad.

But God has ways of turning that kind of stuff around. I got home and talked to fun people until late at night (including a phone call from Em, my fellow insomniac, at 2:30 a.m.), watched a little Dorm Life and slept till noon. When I woke up, I sleepily shuffled my bare feet down the stairs and into the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator door and there was a whole container of fresh blackberries. I went to the counter and found one perfectly ripe banana and a peach. Perfect! I threw some cherries in, too. I feel so much better when I eat fresh, unadulterated fruit and vegetables (I made homemade salsa for dinner). I seriously need to start buying just produce and minimal non-natural foods. I feel noticeably better when I eat like this-- straight from nature, no processed junk.

So I sat down, watched a travel show on Brussels, read Real Simple, and went to the library with Emily. It was a good day. Tomorrow will be a photo workday. Parking my butt in a coffee shop for quite a while.

I really love summer.

With love and needing to unpack from college,
Megan

Books, Technology and Weddings

2009-06-11T01:02:00.004-04:00

llibreria - bookstore - Amsterdam - HDR, originally uploaded by MorBCN.

I love this photograph. A lot. I really want to get a lot of books read this summer. I'm in the middle of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, which I like a lot-- I think? There are SO many books I feel like I must read in order to be a well-rounded person.

Two things have been on my mind: ready?

1. I am tired of technology. I know technology is my friend and all, but I just wish I could escape it. Whatever happened to snail mail and phone calls? I really wish it wouldn't damage my life to just give up internet access for a good while. But alas, my life depends on e-mail and keeping in touch with people via 10,000 modes of electronic communication. As Drew Barrymore puts it in He's Just Not That Into You, it's exhausting.

2. This may be totally wimpy for me to say (and please give me your input, happy blog reader), but I don't know that I could make wedding photography my career while I'm single. It makes me feel incredibly weak to say that. And don't get me wrong-- my heart fills with joy for these couples whose weddings I photograph. Their love is so precious and beautiful. But the effect of seeing SO MANY couples who are truly, blissfully happy together makes me feel WAY more alone than I actually am. Maybe that's the two-weddings-in-one-weekend talking. Does that make me the weakest person on the planet? Because that's how I feel. I so don't want to be like that.

In that same vein, here's a passage from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn I thought was good. Note to self: don't settle for a man you really love, who doesn't really love you.

"Johnny gave her a courtesy dance... Feeling his arms around her and instinctively adjusting herself to his rhythm, Katie knew that he was the man she wanted. She'd ask nothing more than to look at him and to listen to him for the rest of her life. Then and there, she decided that those privileges were worth slaving for all her life. Maybe that decision was her great mistake. She could have waited until some man came along who felt that way about her. Then her children would not have gone hungry; she would not have had to scrub floors for their living and her memory of him would have remained a tender shining thing. But she wanted Johnny Nolan and no one else and she set out to get him."

Now it is 1 a.m. See what technology is doing? Ruining my life and depriving me of sleep. Never mind that I have free will or anything.

With love and wanting to get the idea of marriage out of my head for now,
Megan

The South.

2009-06-09T03:27:00.001-04:00

Spanish Moss, originally uploaded by visionsbycat.

Summer always makes me appreciate the fact that I live in the South. It makes me wish I lived in the Deep South, by the bayou beneath trees draped with spanish moss, but North Carolina is wonderful and has fewer mosquitoes. I get really nostalgic at the thought of sweet tea, sitting on the porch, fishing, and just taking it slow during the summer. The South has its own character, and I love that. I must confess that during my week without an iPod, I might have listened to some country music, which has reinforced that sentiment.

I decided to read through Daniel in the next couple of weeks. I'm pretty excited about it, because I haven't studied it in a while. I'm thinking about buying the Beth Moore study on it. Maybeeee.

This is what I want to do this summer:
Learn to paint.
Study the Bible lots.
Have FUN with some of my favorite people. Already happening.
Lots of beach trips.
Get some vitamin D
Eat and drink healthy things.

The end.

With love and a new Bible,
Megan

.

2009-05-27T12:04:00.004-04:00

The Cliffs of Moher, originally uploaded by The Transient Lunatic.

Sometimes I think I am very good at being single. I like the freedom. I like being unattached. Because I can see myself moving to Prague for a couple of years, then traveling who knows where doing something else wonderful and adventurous and new. No ties.

But then I think about how great it would be to share those things with someone, to be with someone whose heart is equally infused with the love of travel and adventure. To walk along the Cliffs of Moher looking out over the sea, to trek across India or sip coffee in a Swedish coffee shop. And suddenly I am just as lonely as the girl who cries, "I just want a boyfriend." Except that it's not just some guy I want, it's The Guy.

I think it would be nice to have a relationship that embraces freedom. Maybe that's completely unrealistic. But to trust each other enough to give the other space, and at the same time know that you need each other and you are wholly committed to each other... I think it would be cool.

But I'm still thrilled to be embarking on this adventure on my own. I don't really think I'd have it any other way. I don't know what I want, really.

But I do know that if The Guy had an accent, I wouldn't mind.

With love and being a silly girl,
Megan

Live and learn and things.

2009-05-23T20:12:00.009-04:00

I'm sitting on my roof (enjoying the faint scent of honeysuckles and the blinking of 2 lone fireflies), and I'm exhausted. Today I shot my first wedding as a second shooter with Annie Harrison. Things did not go as anticipated. This is how I am feeling right now:

(in other words, like a big fat wedding photo failure)

I want to be good. For real. How is it that I still have SO MUCH trouble with off-camera flash? Oh yeah, because I hate it and use it as little as possible. And HOW is it appropriate for me to still mess up exposure? Note to self: learn how to use light, ya ninny. You have a degree in this.

I also had my eyes opened to the fact that I need equipment. Like woah. I do not have a decent flash. I do not have any lenses that are low-light-situation-appropriate. And, on top of this, my shutter died immediately following the ceremony, rendering my camera unusable (good thing Annie had a spare). But that will be like 400 bucks to repair!

Oh, Jesus. Remind me that my life does not depend on money. Money frustrates me anyway.

I was also encouraged by this quite timely blog post from the Wedding Photographer of All Wedding Photographers (in my opinion), Jasmine Star.

Anyhow, here's some shots from today. Yay for learning experiences!

With love and life lessons,

Megan

Jesus loves me, this I know.

2009-05-20T22:38:00.005-04:00

(Confession: once I sang that song for an a capella group audition. It was silly but fun. And way embarrassing.)

photo from FreyaArt

I love the pieces in this Etsy shop. I want to hang like 10 of them in my house. Art + Words = Lovely.

I can't wait till I live abroad. I feel like I'll collect so many treasures and photos and memories, that my senses will be maxed out from everything I want to soak in, and I'll flop into bed at night knowing I'm living an adventure. How perfectly orchestrated it all would be-- doing a job that I love, that isn't the same day in and out, loving people and ministering to them, demonstrating the Gospel to them, all the while living in one of the most beautiful cities in Europe?

Why are we prone to think that God doesn't want to bless us?

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11

(With an exclamation point, mind you.) This week, I have been so overcome with worry-- what if something goes wrong and I won't get to go to Prague? I'm honestly expecting something to mess it up. It frustrates me that my default mode of thinking is so self-sabotaging. God knows my willingness to be a part of missions, He knows my potentially excessive desire to live abroad for a few years. Why don't I trust that He wants good for be because He loves me?

At choir tonight we talked about a man who passed away last week-- He was an active member of the choir, and when he asked friends to pray for him in his sickness, he would say something like, "pray for the one whom Jesus loves." And he'd point to scripture, affirming his identity as a precious son of God. I hope that I come to the point where it's second nature to say of myself, "I am the one whom Jesus loves." Life must be SO much better when we embrace that truth. Why is it so difficult?

Oh yeah, because satan's a jerk.

But here's to believing, anchoring my hope in the Lord, and embracing my identity as a treasured, loved child of God, believing He wants good for me because He loves me deeply.

With love and a summer waitressing job,

Megan

This post is about nothing.

2009-05-20T07:46:00.002-04:00

Currently wanting to live in: this photo

photo from black*eiffel

Can I take a moment to briefly sing the praises of Mint.com? Because I need serious help with budgeting, and when you link it to your bank account it shows you how much you spend on food, gas, entertainment, shopping, etc. by automatically sifting through and categorizing your checking acct. transactions! Amaaaazing! I always ask WHERE my money goes, and Mint is all, "let me show you!" AND it's free.

I am thankful for my friends. I love them dearly.

I think today I might drive around and take pictures, because that's fun and therapeutic. Maybe this evening.

Ooh, and I'm second-shooting my first wedding this weekend! I'm quite excited!!!

(Please note that it is now 7:52. I woke up at 6:15 and couldn't go back to sleep. WORST FEELING EVER, because I only got like 5 hours of sleep!)

I have nothing really substantial to say, other than I need a new pair of jeans, and I'm glad summer's here.

And my Toms came in the mail. I have happy feet.

With love and things to do,

Megan

Emily, this post is essentially for you.

2009-05-16T14:47:00.003-04:00

So, while looking for some old papers to help me fill out my ISC application, I came across my blessing book that I kept the summer of 2005.

(fyi: a blessing book is something I decided to keep because Emily was doing it. It's just a daily list of things that made me happy)

Some of these, I really don't remember, or know what they mean. But boy are they funny.

-Camper wanting CPR from Brad

-Being one of Colin's "favorite staff members"

-Folding Jarrod's laundry (bahahaha...)

-Refreshing after-taps breeze and a cabin of awesome girls (we really did have a cabin of all-stars that week, including Ginger and Catherine, Nicole Bieber, Rebekah Byram, Jacquie Goeking and Susan Jennings. And Kendall Tetsworth! How were we not honor cabin!?)

-Storybook Names, including "Garby in the Dark" and "Debbie and the Ham"

-Wash sheds and girly talks with Rachel

-Singing in the wash sheds with Bristol

-Emily taking care of me when I needed it

-Visiting Leah at the waterfront

-"I'm gonna Amram your house"

-"Audrey's mother is Santa."

-"You know what they say... you can't forgive a pheasant." -Aaron

-Fireworks

-Dan Breeding: There are two types of Alligators-- American and...

Some Kid: FRENCH!!!

-"Bowl of Health"- I think that was from Rachel, because she is encouraging and sweet and gift-give-y.

-Flowers from Sherry

-Garby and Garbetta playing carpetball

-Malibu Garby

-Howling at the moon

-Talking to Leah about life

-CIT porch time with Alex and Elizabeth (remember when we could actually sit on the porch with our CITs?)

Dangit. I just miss the community, the fellowship and the encouragement from that summer. Things kind of changed after that year, but it was really beautiful. I think that's how we are meant to live as believers, in a loving community with each other, looking out for each other, laughing and growing with each other.

What a good chapter in my life. I hate that I can't go back to it. But I guess it's on to other adventures, other experiences of Christlike community, acceptance and beauty.

With love and being a sentimental schmuck,

Megan

Ya know?

2009-05-16T03:21:00.003-04:00

Life would be a lot better if everyone meant what they said, and said what they meant.

For real.

Just saying.

With love and really late-night sweet potato fries,

Megan

Things.

2009-05-07T23:02:00.003-04:00

I wrote a post earlier, and then I deleted it. I'm fickle about how much I want to put out into the world. I want to be open and genuine. But I don't want my words to float out into the interwebs like white noise. I don't know what I want, really.

I do know what I love about this week: driving at night, windows down while the misty air hangs heavy, laced with honeysuckle. (The best is when it's really late, and when I come to a stoplight, I sing loudly-- windows still down-- out into the night because the world is asleep.)

I am really excited to order a pair of blue madras Tom's. I am also anxious for my cheap-o but wonderful 50mm lens to come in!

I'm going to miss apartment 88.

I think I want to learn how to paint this summer.

With love and such,

Megan

James Taylor, media ethics and the rain, why you gotta be makin my life more difficult?

2009-05-06T17:57:00.005-04:00

Today, today, ho, hum.

I finished my second-to-last exam. And I bought a cap and gown. And I fell asleep to the rain, which was a totally awful idea because I have a final at 8 tomorrow morning that I MUST do well on. Rain, why must you soothe me so?

I bought a book of stories by Franz Kafka today. I feel like I need to be well versed in Kafka before I move to Prague.

(Move to Prague! Goodness gracious.)

And I need to find a part-time job. I have been alerted to the fact that I'm really picky about what I want to do (I don't want to be stuck in some sterile, air-conditioned, white-walled office or retail store doing something I hate all day). I would like to be busy, or to be outside, or to be organizing things (seriously, weird, but I really wouldn't mind being a receptionist for a summer). Just... not hating my days stuck inside while the summer sun is beckoning me to romp around outside.

My words are really silly today.

But really, I just need a job.

And now, I will lock myself away in Barnes and Noble, with a white mocha, for quite a while to study Media Ethics. My last parking-myself-in-a-bookstore-to-study! Sad.

Also, I will forever associate James Taylor with my lovely Carolina, and every time I hear him I get all sentimental. Un. Healthy.

With love and James Taylor making me depressed,

Megan

I'm giddy!

2009-05-03T22:38:00.003-04:00

If all continues to go well, come October I will be living in this city for two years!!!!

photo by charlesbrookscellist

photo by Optical_Illusion

Yesmaam/sir. Prague. I am so thrilled at the way the Lord has worked this out (slowly and turbulently, but surely). Thrilled. I would be writing stories and editing stories and doing photography and serving-- seriously, everything I love wrapped up into one job. I am so happy.

It's all really surreal. At this moment I feel like I'll just go on living in Chapel Hill forever, going to class and being stressed out by photojournalism-- except, oh wait, I'm already done with photojournalism class at Carolina forever! What in the-- what?!

So much is changing. I can't wrap my mind around it. Emily said to me today, "You just got a job in Europe." That sounds so adult to me, so beyond what I feel like I am.

Oh, God, you are so good to me.

With love and honeysuckles and summer and promise,

Megan

Yesterday was just a good day.

2009-04-21T10:32:00.003-04:00

I went to photo class and got my professor and my editor to look over my project. They gave really constructive feedback, helped me formulate a script, and were generally encouraging. I went back to the labs later at night and just worked the project, and I'm making progress!

I also sang in studio, in Hill Hall Auditorium, which always makes me happy because my voice fills up the room and resonates everywhere (which is startling at first, but then I get used to it). But I was shaking and nervous, and I know I didn't sing as well as I could have. But the feedback I got from people was SO encouraging. People said things like, "you have a beautiful voice," "I don't know why you are nervous," "sing out," and one girl said, "I almost cried. I was moved."

Seriously, I almost wept up on that stage hearing such encouragement. To be validated like that was so wonderful. I'm really working on the whole confidence thing, but I still find it hard to believe that I am really good at anything. I still remember a comment Emily left on a post a couple months ago that said, "your photos are beautiful." I actually teared up when I read that. It is so hard for me to believe that I am talented at anything or even capable sometimes. I'm sure that's incredibly self-sabotaging. But yes. That's why studio was so good for me yesterday.

And I think that's why I really appreciate those people in my life who push me to put myself out there. Whether it's getting me to get up in front of people, or to dance, or to say what's really on my mind. I need that. And I hope I get to a place where I don't have to be dragged to do these things.

On another note, I'm looking up fitness classes this week, and the SRC website says, "Our website has changes." That just made me giggle, and I'm not sure why.

Now I'm off to finish this article to send to people in Prague who I really want to work for!!!

With love and lots of work,

Megan

Oh man, engagement pictures are fun.

2009-04-19T13:07:00.003-04:00

Yay engagement photos!! Yesterday I met with Elizabeth and Daniel at Pullen Park in Raleigh. They are so wonderful and willing to climb on trees and trains and all kinds of marvelous things! This might be my fave shot.

Off to work on documentary project for the rest of my life, prepare to sing in studio tomorrow, and go to the Apple picnic! Huzzah, crazy Sunday!!

With love and mango,

Megan

Unlovely, cured.

2009-04-14T18:20:00.003-04:00

Photo by ღMayuღ.

I had a pity party today.

It was stupid.

I'm over it.

---

My mom said to me a few weeks ago, "You know something I love about you? You don't need a guy to be happy." I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or as a pat-pat on the back because I don't have a boyfriend. In the end, I decided it's a good thing.

For a little while (up until like, half an hour ago), I haven't thought that way. I've felt very un-beautiful recently, very not-enough. But now I'm back to knowing that my life is really good. If a boy comes along and wants to be a part of my life, awesome. But I have so many reasons to be happy.

[I think it's wonderful that God fills scripture with things that affirm our identity in Him. If I didn't know Him, I think that having confidence and being comfortable in my own skin would be SO much more difficult than it already is.]

I have been on lots of flickr safaris lately. It's great fun. You should try it. It wastes your time but makes life better.

With love and soup,
Megan

Easter Thoughts and such

2009-04-13T00:44:00.002-04:00

I went to two churches today. And we sang this song in both of them. This song and I have a history... a love-hate relationship, in that I love the words so much, but they make me cry a lot of the time, and I hate being emotional. Anyway, you've probably heard it, but it doesn't get old for me. The victory and joy in these words is what gets me. To sing these words and know they are true is so freeing to me.

Why don't we celebrate the resurrection of Christ more often? Geez. So wonderful.

Anyway, here's the song. Love it or else.

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song.

This cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace--

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease.

My comforter, my all in all-- here in the love of Christ, I stand.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh,

Fullness of God in helpless babe--

This gift of love and righteousness,

Scorned by the ones He came to save.

Till on that cross, when Jesus died,

The wrath of God was satisfied.

For every sin on Him was laid.

Here in the death of Christ, I live.

There in the ground His body lay,

Light of the world by darkness slain.

Then, bursting forth in glorious day,

Up from the grave He rose again.

And, as He stands in victory,

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me.

For I am His, and He is mine.

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life; no fear in death--

This is the power of Christ in me.

From life's first cry to final breath,

Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand.

Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

---

This Easter was kind of weird for me. I'm at a point in my faith where I'm feeling things out for myself. For so long I've just accepted-- I have believed, and I really have experienced my faith and know it to be true.

But right now is just different. It's like I know the answer to the math problem, but I need to work it out, for myself, to really understand how you get the answer. Does that make sense?

So it was really wonderful to rejoice in the fact that I am redeemed and loved, but I am a little bit separated from it at the moment. It has been really beautiful, though. Jesus pursues us in different ways, and with different timing. He loves me. And you. Individually. In our own experiences.

I like it, I like it. And I am learning.

With love and a small amount of productivity,

Megan

2009-04-09T17:47:00.007-04:00

This is what my life has looked like lately:

a mess.

And just chaos.

But good chaos.

I have yet another documentary story now. The couple I was going to do my story on is having a really tough time, and I am now doing a story where I have full access and all is well! Hallelu! It's a soup kitchen in Raleigh, and the woman who runs it, Mary, is so wonderful. I'm really happy to be working with them.

Wow, have I learned a lot in the past couple of weeks. I'm such a dreamer, and when I get an idea in my head, I go at it full-throttle and obsess over it. When I see that it really won't work out, I drop it and move on. I see that in so many things in my life... when I was applying for Paris and Galapagos and all this other stuff, I was so gung-ho until... it didn't work out. I'm glad that, if the things I'm obsessing over right now don't work out, that I'll get over it and go on.

I'm feeling really good about letting things happen right now. In a week or so, I'll know if I have a job-- a job I really want. I'll be almost done with the semester, on the brink of graduating. (I feel like I need to watch the episode of Gilmore Girls, "Unto the Breach" over and over right now, because Rory, I am so you! Minus the whole boy wanting to marry you thing.)

I like where I am right now. Even though it's really sad and scary. Saying goodbye to Chapel Hill and hello to... somewhere else in the world?! This is so crazy.

bah!

With love and adventure,

Megan

*Brand New Day -- Joshua Radin. You are the song for my life right now. That and Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire, I could play on repeat for a really long time.

I want...

2009-03-30T17:45:00.007-04:00

(photo: Erica Bartel)

these emotions bouncing all over my brain to go away and just to let things happen.

to not feel entitled to anything, ever. To be perfectly happy living off the land somewhere sans luxury of any kind.

to spend my life showing people that they are loved and valuable.

to go back in time and repeat a certain something that may or may not happen again.

to LET GO of myself and just be. (I want this SO freaking much.)

to see and feel and document beauty.

to do what I really want to do without being so apprehensive about it.

Let go, let go, let go.

with love and an overactive brain that may or may not explode,

Megan

added to the list:

to be a sort of 'renaissance woman'

to not let making music slip away from me again

2009-03-24T10:51:00.007-04:00

Yesterday I had the privilege of doing engagement pictures for Sarah Lane and Sean Carroll. What a wonderful couple! They were so easy to photograph, and they just exude love for each other.

I have got to learn how to format photos for the web, because they are so washed out when I post on here! Agh! I swear they're more vibrant in real life.

Oh well. Off to photograph my *photo story that I finally got*! Hallelujah!

With love and soreness,

Megan

fin.

Do what you can, and that's all you can do.

2009-03-22T13:40:00.004-04:00

I couldn't sleep last night. For about an hour I lay in the dark, worrying. It is very possible that I will not graduate in May. I have been trying for two months now to get a substantial story going for my documentary class, but I have hit brick wall after brick wall. Our next deadline is Wednesday, where we will play what we have so far to the class. I have no substantial story. And if I don't get one quick, I won't pass, and I won't graduate.

This consumed my thoughts and dreams last night, and I woke with an incredibly heavy weight on my heart. I got together a list of things to do. I'm going to a family shelter in Durham Monday night and speaking to the families that show up, and hopefully (hopefully, as in, with all my heart I want and need this to happen) one of the parents will come up and talk to me afterward and let me photograph their family this week and do a documentary story on them. Other options include trying to find a family at Eastway (again), trying to jump through all the hoops involving hunger, and go to another shelter and just try to find an individual to do a story on.

I listened to a sermon this morning about belief. The word "believe" has been impossible to miss at The Summit for the past couple of months, because it's the theme for the church's mission expansion project. I don't think there's any other word that needs to be echoed to me over and over. It is what needs to reverberate in my mind until I go insane, because I do not live in belief as I should. It is so freeing to take God at His word, believe that He is who He says He is.

I realized I need to believe now more than ever. Believe that, whether I graduate this semester or not, I will be ok. Believe that my God is bigger than these circumstances and dead ends, and it is His grace that's gotten me so far. His grace is all that I need. I have got to let this sink in, and rest and be FREED by this reality.

I am stressed out again. How freaking cyclical am I? I just need to read that last paragraph over and over until it gets into my stupid brain.

with love and stressssss that will hopefully go away,

Megan

I think too much.

2009-03-18T23:08:00.004-04:00

I feel like I just need to turn my brain off for a day. If you filled a bucket with those little word magnets and then dumped them all out on the floor... that is what my brain looks like right now.

On the way home, I just talked to God. Out loud. I'm a verbal processor, I think, but I don't want to process to people most of the time because it first comes out as total nonsense. It was really healthy just to be candid (because, seriously, God knows what's in my head anyway). The things coming out of my mouth lately are less and less proper. I'm shaking off a lot of the Christian jargon that I grew up with, and just talking. Speaking the words that are bouncing around my brain and just getting them out and trying to make sense of them.

I'm in the middle of a rebellious streak. I don't want to feel like I have something to prove, to myself or to anybody. But I do right now. I'm not sure why. I feel like just defying everything. That's so atypical for me. I feel like such a mess, and I don't feel quite like myself. But it will pass, and I can make it.

This probably makes no sense, but this is me processing, so there.

Lilies are making my room smell fabulous, and I'm about to drift off into a very sound sleep. Three hours is not enough, I have learned.

With love and exhaustion (in every sense),

Megan

*I want my marriage to resemble this. At least I just think it's adorable and beautiful and earthy and lovely.

Monday.

2009-03-17T00:05:00.004-04:00

Today was the Monday-est Monday I've had in a while.

1. Didn't give myself enough time to get ready in the a.m. Also didn't get enough sleep, and I'm crampy and fighting off the remnants of a cold.

2. Went to pick up a friend at the airport. Flight was delayed nearly 2 hours.

3. Had to leave the airport before my friend arrived, because I was supposed to give a presentation at noon. Felt really awful about it.

4. Sped to campus, went to class and learned that I was going to present Wednesday instead (bittersweet).

5. Didn't bring an umbrella to class, so I got pretty soaked on the way back to my car.

6. After a workout class later in the day, the rain finally really defeated me. We're talking, face down on the mat, down for the count. It's over. No umbrella again, and I just gave up running and walked the 10 minutes to my car, getting drenched. It actually was kind of nice. Therapeutic, maybe. But still.

What a Monday.

Now I have to write a paper.

With love and tea and a piece of nutella toast (mmm),

Megan

Tonight

2009-03-13T20:53:00.002-04:00

is a night of nail-painting, closet-cleaning, new-music-listening, photo uploading, scrubbing the I-got-three-hours-of-sleep-and-slept-on-airport-seats-during-the-layover off of me.

This weekend of glorious not much of anything is the perfect way to end spring break (my last, can you believe it?)

Graduation is in two months. Two months. The thought makes tears well up in my eyes because, just like those stupid adults said, it has gone by so fast. In a blink, really, I flew through four years of college. I went from a tiny girl who did always as she was told-- no opinions of her own-- her world so small, to a "young adult," full of insatiable wonder and ready for an adventure, making her OWN decisions (finally) and learning how to do things on her own.

Spring break was wonderful. It started with a lovely day at the beach/in Wilmington-- the beach was freaking cold, with Emmy Sue, and early Monday I drove with Kathryn to Charlotte to fly to Detroit to fly to Orlando to see Laura. We went to allll of the Disney parks and experienced all of the magic and fairytales possible, along with venting our big-girl frustrations and sharing our I-don't-know-what's-happening-in-May thoughts.

I-tend-to-hyphenate-everything.

But seriously, I cannot wait to have a little family (no kids under 5) to take to Disney World. It is so freaking magical, I can hardly stand it. I looveee iiiiitttt!!!!

(But, by 'cannot wait,' I mean I can totally wait severalll years. Kids, bah!)

LAST THING. I downloaded an album by Needtobreathe, and it is nice. I haven't downloaded much of any Christian music lately because it all sounds like it should be played on K-Love. *shudder* I don't know why that irritates me, but it does. So, seriously, for the past several months, I have done the "K-Love test" on all Christian albums. This album could potentially be played to white upper-middle class families, but I like it. So I bought it and will just have to get over it.

Thanks, you nice blog reader, for sticking through my ramblyness. You're the best.

With love and LOVING this post by Susannah, a wonderful English blogger,

Megan

Airports, conference, and God being funny.

2009-03-01T15:34:00.006-05:00

I'm sitting in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport waiting on my second flight of the day. My real flight is at 9:30, but snow is going to be dumped all over the Eastern seaboard starting this evening. And the last thing I want is to be stuck in DFW airport all night.

Despite the suckiness of spending my day going from terminal to terminal, waiting and waiting, I really love being in the airport. I love being surrounded by the bustle and feeling the importance of presenting a boarding pass and getting on a plane. I carry myself differently when I travel. I think I stand up straighter and walk with an unusual "I have places to go and people to see" confidence. I. love. to. travel.

So, let me tell you about the photojournalism conference, blog reader! It was fantastic. I met lots of really great people who love the Lord and love storytelling. I met a lovely UNC alumna (one of the faculty for the conference) and people with missions organizations, which I'll get to later.

A couple of notes from the conference:

Never let your craft outpace your humanity. Loving people will produce better stories.
Keep moving forward. Always. Don't stop learning and experimenting.
In an industry that's struggling, be encouraged by the fact that storytelling will never die. Single-medium stories may be fading, but new media can be really experimental and freeing. We can do so, so much when we blend photos, audio, video and words.
That being said, some stories might be best told in one medium that can stand alone. Don't do multimedia for multimedia's sake.
When your full-time job gets in the way of your freelancing, it's time to freelance full-time.
Keep track of business stuff! Marketing, branding, billing, etc. This is so counterintuitive to Megan Finger.
What we do has value. Don't give your work away.
Find stories that celebrate life. Everything powerful doesn't have to be doom-and-gloom.
Find your niche.
Be a jack of all trades, and a master of one-- storytelling.
The diptychs from this story by Scott Strazzante are some of the most amazing things I've ever seen. How crazy is it that he could find such similar images years apart from each other? And hearing the story behind it made it so much better. I think I liked seeing the diptychs by themselves better, but the mediastorm version is wonderful, too.

Now, let me tell you about an encounter that I think God orchestrated this weekend. I sat down at a random table for dinner, and one of the gentlemen at the table works with a missions organization I'm familiar with. Long story short, a writing job in Prague is on the table!

haaa!!

Oh God, you are wonderful and funny sometimes. How blessed I am that there are so many opportunities in the world! I'm so giddy!

I am going to just sit and soak in the fact that I'm in an airport again. I wish I was dressed more professionally today. Oh well.

With love and a really fantastic weekend of journalists and fellowship,

Megan

Hellooo Fort Worth!

2009-02-26T17:05:00.009-05:00

You are not that distinguishable from North Carolina except that you are flat and warmer and have fewer trees!

Oh man. You guys. My hotel room. Is off the chain. You may be thinking, "Holiday Inn Express, Megan, you crazy fool." But I have TWO ultra-comfortable beds, a flat screen tv and the most wonderful bathroom ever.

(my sleepy-eyed sentiments after napping in the other bed that looks identical to the first.)

And you also must remember that my previous lodgings were hostels... time for a trip down memory lane thanks to Hostel World!!!!

(graffiti hostel, Barcelona. hahaaaa!)

(and my personal favorite, Stockholm's prison hostel! A hostel in an old prison!

Which would have been much more normal had it not been for the very dark lighting and creepy mannequins EVERYWHERE. Reason number 143089 to love Stockholm.)

This is what happens when you're staying by yourself in a hotel and the conference hasn't started yet. I am crazy.

But now you, blog reader, can understand why I am so stoked about this hotel.

ALSO I learned today of the only possible thing that could disappoint me ever about this conference. JAMES NACHTWEY was GOING to come, but has gone to the Middle East to cover warfare over there. HOLY CRAP, I wish I didn't know this!!!!! He is like my ultimate inspiration in photojournalism. sldfijaslkdfjlaskdjfl;askdjflksjdf;laksjdf ARGH! Stupid facebook group that filled me in. Oh well I'm still super excited. But DANG.

With love and yay-photojournalism!,

Megan

Eno Adventure!

2009-02-21T19:43:00.011-05:00

I have never realized the importance of just walking around with a camera as much as I have this semester. Spending some time with my camera, aside from the stress of photojournalism class, is so therapeutic. Plus I just love being outdoors. When I found myself feeling kind of bummed out recently, I went to Google maps, zoomed in to the Chapel Hill area, saw a patch of green and decided, "I'm going there." So I did. These photos are of no consequence, really, but it was just an exercise in learning how to see, and separating photography from stress for a little while.

(this is nature telling me it loves me. aww.)

(not quite as therapeutic, but whatevs.)

With love and nature calming me down,

Megan

Selfless faith.

2009-02-20T00:43:00.004-05:00

These words keep resonating in my head. What a wonderful/daunting goal.

Also, my cry to God lately is to believe. I do not live day to day as if the Gospel has truly permeated my life. It comes in fits and starts, and I pray that God would bring me to a point of just... belief. Belief that He is who He says He is, and belief that He loves me. It is so hard for me to grasp that. Obviously, I have believed the Gospel and trusted Christ to save me, but if I really, consistently believed and trusted God, I think my life would look different.

Today I prayed desperately for God to make my mind consumed with Africa if that was what He wanted for me. I tend to romanticize everything. So at this point I'm thinking wonderful people, colorful homes, tropical fruit and gorgeous landscapes. And giraffes-- you can't leave out the giraffes. (I did not take this picture, obvi.)

But my love for Africa stems from a deep burden for AIDS and poverty, and I think that living there would be a dichotomy of color and bleakness, joy and sobriety.

I am going to miss Chapel Hill a lot. I love walking across the quad, even sitting in the basement of Carroll Hall (basically I live in the VisCom labs). This place is really dear to me, and I am just soaking up everything I can at this point.

What a great time in my life. Despite the stress of everything constantly pushing down on me, I am so glad to be where I am.

With love and belief,

Megan

Ohmygosh.

2009-02-17T18:56:00.004-05:00

This shirt is coming to me and I am so freakin' excited. And, even better, it's called Fail.

I'm so giddy with glee right now.

Also, can I tell you about a dream I had when I accidentally fell asleep this afternoon? (Sidenote: I'm so fatigued lately! What is the deal, body?) Anyway... I went to what was apparently a UNC basketball game (it took place in a high school gym and fully resembled a high school game-- very few spectators, kind of dark, crappy lighting). I went with a girl from my Bible study, who is very sweet and kind of quiet. So I got there, and sat down with her when I saw a boy that I have a pretty big crush on, sitting in the front row. So I went up to say hi, and ended up sitting there for the remainder of the game, being all flirtatious and putting my head on his shoulder, knowing that he liked me back. At the end of the game, I had this feeling like, "Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, didn't I come here with some girl?" And I couldn't for the life of me remember her name. I looked back, and she was standing in the back row, all alone with coat in hand, looking incredibly lonely and disappointed. I had been full of this giddy happiness (from spending time with this boy) and suddenly had this horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then I woke up, remembering these details of the dream. Immediately I wrote it down in my journal, and at the end, I wrote, "May I never be so selfish as to neglect those I am called to bless in order to gain something for myself."

That was really wordy and written in sleepy writing. But seriously. If I live in a way that just makes me happy, what kind of person am I? What does that say about me and my purpose and the God I claim to love and follow?

It seems like a really silly dream, but it hit me hard. I can't forget that I exist to serve God and love people. I mean, really love them and sacrifice for them to know that they are loved. I anticipate that God will lead me to a life of beauty and adventure, but if I neglect to be His disciple, my life is nothing.

With love and fruit/granola/yogurt/yumminess,

Megan

2009-02-16T22:53:00.004-05:00

I swear, I sound like a broken record, but I don't usually have the initiative to talk things out to someone. So I need to write, and blogspot is my medium tonight.

I'm sitting here staring at my doubled reflection in the window. I sit at my desk, three little potted plants sitting on my windowsill. Beneath my typing fingers is a sort of montage of postcards, maps, train tickets. Places I've been, places I think I would like to go again.

This constant urge to travel, to be abroad, to move... it is relentless. And unrealistic. I dream of a life on the go, photographing beautiful things and writing about them. Seeing new things and embracing new cultures and people. I long for this so much (and maybe, if I'm lucky, to do all these things with a man who I can commit my life to). This draw, this obsession with maps and places and photographs, is it selfish? I'm brought to tears each time I close my eyes and mentally make my way through the streets of Florence, wait for the metro in a filthy station in Paris, wander the residential back alleys of Venice. The thought that moments like these may never happen again is heartbreaking, and I quickly have to change my train of thought to something more practical.

The fact that I've had the opportunity to do this is unimaginable. Why should I have been so, so fortunate enough to do these things in my life? And how is it that it has not been enough for me? Is this egocentric dreaming, or is God building up something in me that will be played out in the next years of my life? I feel so selfish wanting to do all these things, but I cannot shake this.

I want to make sense of these things, in time to apply for jobs and ministries in the next month or so.

Just thoughts. Any insights would be fantastic (yes, you). Even if all you have to say is that I'm a privileged kid who needs to suck it up and get a real job.

With love and chocolate,

Megan

Hooray for studio!

2009-02-14T16:48:00.009-05:00

Hi, my name is Rachel and I'm a total hottie! (or in TGS terms, TTL haw-t.)

It's valentine's day! And that means candy and hearts and happy cute things like that. And single ladies' movie night!

Today Rachel was my model for studio portraits! I really have no idea what I'm doing yet technically, but it's a lot of fun to be able to come up with cool ideas and make them real. I like having that

capability, even though I really am no master of lighting yet by any means (it took me forever to figure out where to put the umbrella in the light. Oops.)

Aww look how beautiful Rachie is!!

Off to eat a tasty dinner and do valentiney things!

With love and new experimental things,

Megan

Galapagos is a no-go, and it will be alright.

2009-02-13T01:44:00.003-05:00

These past couple of days have been tough, but really good in that I'm starting to get some clarity about my future. Today was the deadline to apply for the Photojournalism program project in the Galapagos. The program that would cost $4000. This week I have had talks with my parents, financial aid counselors, and peers. I had the application completed. Recommendation letters written for me. After leaving the financial aid office, I sat in the grass in the upper quad and just thought. I looked around me (nature calms me down) and tried to breathe deeply and figure out what I was supposed to do with all this information. My only option was to take out a loan, and I would be paying off a hundred dollars a month for the next four years. My parents have worked so hard for me to graduate without debt. But this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. People have written recommendations for me, and my friends are going, and this would be an incredible experience that would stay with me for the rest of my life. The best imaginable way to end my college career.

I got to choir last night anticipating an answer from the Lord. When I worship, everything falls into place. Things are as they ought to be, finally. Last night, our pastor addressed us and shared with us the church's launch of "Believe," a project of radical giving and sending and expansion. My heart flooded with joy at the way God is working in our church and in our world. I know I want to be a part of that.

Long story short, I realized that the Galapagos is not what God has for me this summer. My heart does not leap at the thought of this opportunity as it does for other things-- for missions, for photography, for Sweden, for Africa. It really bums me out, though, and I'm sure I will go through more bouts of emotion and doubt about this decision. J.D. has said recently that "real sacrifice is giving up something you love for something you love even more." I have desperately asked God to tease apart those dreams of mine that are egocentric, and those plans that He has purposed for me.

He's doing it. It's not so fun and it feels really crappy sometimes when you have to give up something you think you want. But hallelujah, He is making real His plans for me.

With love and mixed emotions,

Megan

2009-02-10T13:59:00.005-05:00

I decided to get all fancy with the blog layout today. It was something to do while ordering nine photo books with a really crappy internet connection.

Now I think I will take a short nap before class. With the windows open and a really spring-like breeze floating in.

It's such a nice day today. I can't get over it.

With love and fresh air,

Megan

Du-hu-hunnnn!! (Done.)

2009-02-08T15:09:00.005-05:00

What a crazy weekend. My back hurts, and I am exhaustion personified. But it was really great.

I will share with you a few photos and a weird moment that happened last week. Sound good? Ok!

Ugh. The photo quality on here is total crap. Crap, I say.

Whatevs. Now I have a really good photography job behind me, and a really awesome photojournalism conference ahead of me!

Also, I got to talk my lovely Laura Fried yesterday, which was fantastic, and she dated a Brazilian boy. And that makes me happy. Boo for him going away :(

Have I ever told you how flighty I am? Oh yeah, well in case I haven't, I am. Now I think I would like to live in England.

What is the matter with me?! I think I am physically incapable of being realistic and responsible.

So last week, I was really stressed out about scholarship applications and the impending crazy photography job this weekend. So I just lay down on the bedroom floor, on my back, with my camera and just shot. There was no memory card in the camera. But I shot my walls, ceiling, clothes in the closet. I don't know why. The pictures flashed on the screen for a second or two, and then they were gone forever.

It was really relaxing and cathartic, though. Weird.

I wish peonies were in season. I would buy vases and vases full.

With love and feeling particularly random and artsy today,

Megan

First photography gig of the year!

2009-02-06T21:27:00.011-05:00

This weekend I'm doing photography for the Frankie Lemmon Foundation. They run a really incredible school for children with special needs, and this weekend they are hosting winemakers who help fund the school. Last night I went to seven dinner venues. Today I went to the school and to the men's and women's luncheons, and a party this evening. Tomorrow is the big gala.

I need a massage.

I'm learning a lot about being a photographer. Like when to keep my distance after being with people for hours on end, and when it's ok to peace out of an event, and hey, I'm learning about myself, too.

A woman approached me tonight and was like, "still clicking away, huh? Do you ever get tired of photography?"

I said no. But I was tired. On the way home, I realized I really don't get tired of photography itself. I don't get tired of images and composing and clicking the shutter a thousand times in a day. What tires me is the social involvement. I have GOT to loosen up around new people. I am so quiet and socially awkward until I get to know someone and can be comfortable around them. Then, and only then, can I be un-nervous and somewhat witty. Sometimes.

Once I get more comfortable in my own skin, and I'm willing to put myself out there, I think I can be really good at this.

When I realized I needed to just stop holding back so much, I sang at the top of my lungs on the way home. Letting go felt good.

Here's a few pictures of the kids at the school this morning. I'm having fun.

(he was blowing kisses to the camera, I think.)

with love and adoring these sweet kids and their families,

Megan

p.s. I feel the need to share this link with the MILLIONS of people who actually look at this blog. I understand that you're so intimidated by my writing skills that you are afraid to comment. It's ok. But seriously, her photos describe how I feel. Or want to feel. Or want to live. Yes. I just want to live in these photographs, if that's possible. kthanks.

short-lived.

2009-02-03T13:04:00.003-05:00

Yeah, so my endeavor to post a photo a day is done. It was fun while it lasted. A little. One of these days, I think I will start a separate photo blog. For me. I was seeing all of these lovely photographers updating daily and thinking, "hey this will keep me accountable!" And while it will probably be a worthwhile endeavor in the future, I think I'll stick to posting photos that are actually recent and that I'm proud of. One of these days, I think I might start a photo blog just for photos. Or maybe I'll just finally get my website online. But we'll seeee.

blah blah blah apparently I'm repetitive. I don't care.

I feel like such a professional right now!

2009-02-01T22:33:00.006-05:00

I just registered for a photojournalism conference. In Texas. Booked my flight and hotel. Filled out my grant application for the J-School, so I can actually pay for it. I'm flying to a conference in Texas!!! It's going to be really great. My professor said it was far and away his favorite photo conference, and it's geared toward people interested in NGOs and missions. It's this giant gathering of Christian/Activist photojournalists!!! I'm so freakin' thrilled. I can't wait to be navigating airports again. That's just the biggest rush for me. I love airports.

Tonight in these post-superbowl, pre-hour-long-The Office moments, I am exploring scholarships and grants. I need them, man.

Ok. The Office is on. Angela totally just pulled a cat out of a filing cabinet.

And now I'm dying of laughter. Blogging is over.

With love and hanging out with the fam,

Megan

p.s. HAPPY 100TH POST TO MEEEE!

p.s. how emotionally unhealthy am I that the office made me tear up a little? hahaha.

I hate talking about money.

2009-01-31T21:49:00.006-05:00

Seriously. I just spent about an hour talking with my mom about my options. I am really thankful for her, because she thinks like me. But I feel like money shouldn't matter as much as it does. You know? Why should currency define which of your dreams are feasible?

God's bigger than money. I know.

Right now I'm listening to Eisley and others on Pandora and loving it. This is debatably my favorite Pandora station. I'm in my house, or parents' house, whosever it is. I'm toying with a trial of ShowIt Sites (I have been stalking Jasmine Star's blog pretty religiously, which is where I learned about ShowIt), and I only have eight days left of the trial and have had no time to play with it. If anything, I can get some design ideas that I can emulate in Flash. But Flash is really complicated, especially if I want to update my site kind of frequently.

I am trying really hard to go to the Galapagos with my photojournalism program this summer. It would be such an incredible opportunity, with professional coaches and a team of people working on one stellar multimedia project (here's the project from Thailand last year). I'm also trying to go to a photojournalism conference in Texas at the end of February. With funding from the J-school and my parents' flyer miles, I think I can afford to go. It's with Southwestern Seminary and it's a gathering of a ton of Christian photojournalists talking and learning about photojournalism as it relates to NGOs and missions. I am so stoked at the prospect of going to this.

I am realizing that I am totally going to miss the perks of being a student: reduced rates on tons of stuff. Rental camera equipment (lights, lenses, camera bodies). Access to all of this knowledge and accomplished people who can mentor you. Dang. I'm going to miss the academic atmosphere of Carolina. I like walking on north campus, and studying in Graham Memorial, because it makes me feel like I go to an Ivy League school.

Life is funny. I always wonder what it would have been like if I had gone to college up north. I was going to apply to Sarah Lawrence, but then decided just to apply to N.C. State and Carolina. If I could go back, I would have just applied to everywhere. Tons of schools. Just to explore the what-ifs fully.

This whole photo-a-day thing really might not last very long. I can't decide if it's better to be diligent about updating and putting photos up, or if it's best to update more sparingly when I have something worthwhile to say, with a photo I'm particularly proud of. At least I have a pretty broad bank of photos to draw from when I don't feel like taking a new one.

This is where I'd like to be at this moment.

Hiking among the Cinque Terre. Warm weather. The Mediterranean. Sunning myself on a rock by the sea like a lizard. Count me in. Anyone want to join me?

With love and realistically exploring my career options (this is where financing and all that fun stuff comes into play),

Megan

Boo for daily updating.

2009-01-30T22:31:00.002-05:00

But whatevs. I can do it.

love and physical achiness,

Megan

Fail.

2009-01-29T20:38:00.005-05:00

I have not lived up to my goal. Here's two pictures to make up for yesterday.

This is the campus being all creepy and foggy and empty yesterday morning. I really liked it, actually.

This is the music library this morning. I was making copies of my repertoire and found all these really cool-looking books. Also, I checked out a 1.8 50mm lens this morning that I wanted to try out. Yaaaay ultra-shallow depth of field. I'm really not particularly proud of this photo, but whatevs. I'm getting back into the swing of actually taking pictures.

With love and trying to get myself organized,

Megan

Trivia time.

2009-01-28T00:22:00.003-05:00

Question: What do you do when this guy opens the door for you?

Answer: smile really big and drop your keys.

Thanks for playing.

New Goal!! Are you ready for this?!

2009-01-27T11:58:00.004-05:00

New Picture. Every day. I'm not going to promise that I've taken it that day. I am making it a goal to shoot way more frequently and to organize and edit my photos.

This is kind of an accountability thang.

Seeing as I am in the middle of editing a BMX photo story, here's a picture for you.

Okey doke, here's to hoping I'll keep this up.

With love and organization,

Megan

Watch out-- I'm getting my blog on.

2009-01-25T16:28:00.003-05:00

I visited Emily in Greensboro this weekend. I love her, and I love that town a lot. Every time I go I just want to see more of it and be a part of its fun and artsy community. I'm excited that, wherever I end up after graduation, I'm going to get involved in some kind of community, and it will be semi-permanent. At least I hope so.

I feel behind in my work. Probably due to the fact that I have to read 150 pages of contemporary literature by tomorrow because I added the class late. Sweeeeet. And I am just nervous to start my documentary photo project. But ya know what, I can't start anything documentary-related until my professor approves my idea, so I can't do anything about it.

I've been working really hard at peace lately. Which sounds counteractive. But I get so uptight during school. God wants peace for me, and I don't know why the heck I don't embrace that. Living each day, waking up breathing deeply and resting in the knowledge that I am loved-- that He could not love me any more or any less, no matter what-- should be my lifestyle day in and day out. I seriously need to chill out and breathe. And right now, that's just not natural, so I'm working at it. Thus the working really hard to chill out.

Today I went to Emily's church, and the pastor said something that made me think. For a while. Zephaniah 3:17 is one of my favorite verses ever, and he just reinforced that when God sees us, he doesn't roll his eyes or resent us for not doing better. He rejoices over us with singing and delights in us! He sings a giddy song about how much he loves us. How much do I lie to myself and think that God doesn't care where I am or how I'm faring? Geez, he freaking adores us as His creation and his children. And nobody can take that away, no matter what circumstance we are in. So in a turbulent economy and job insecurity and under a lot of pressure, we can have serious amounts of joy and stability in our Father's love.

Love ittt!

With love and going to work to learn about computery things,

Megan

Things that made today perfect:

2009-01-20T17:54:00.005-05:00

SNOW, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow!
Cappuccino and cinnamon roll for breakfast
Walking around in the snow
Watching the snow from the UL, not focusing on anything
Watching the inauguration. I didn't vote for the guy, but I'm optimistic, and I'm really happy that an African American is president. Yay! Now to start seriously praying that he'll be convicted to not sign the Freedom of Choice Act.
Gilmore Girls. Like, all day.
Pie, to go with my Gilmore Girls.
Two-hour nap
Reading Expat stories. I've found my favorite short story in the book so far. It hits close to home and I think it's really great and unresolved and interesting.
Homemade beef stew. Yay.

Good day. And a two-hour delay tomorrow.

With love and a giddy smile pasted on my face (I have an irrational love for snow),

Megan

Lists and thoughts on being an expatriate

2009-01-17T10:44:00.006-05:00

I'm listening to Carole King this morning. It's funny that I'm just now discovering for myself artists that have been crazy famous in the past. Oh well. It fits this morning.

This post consists of lists and scattered thoughts. Because that is how I'm thinking right now.

My classes this last semester are as follows:

-Documentary Photojournalism

-Studio Photojournalism (I'm kind of auditing this class, but I'm so freakin excited about it)

-Graphic Design

-Media Ethics

-How things Work (Physics 100, baby. Pass/Fail.)

-Voice lessons

Thus far on the job search front:

I've applied for a job with Apple in Stockholm, I'm applying for a year-long internship in southern Africa, The Institute at The Summit, a summer trip with Carolina Photojournalism in the Galapagos, and I'm looking into various missions organizations. And maybe I'll just end up freelancing! Ha!

Right now I'm really thankful for:

-A church in which I'm starting to get connected, and I'm growing.

-My wonderful Bible study.

-Chapel Hill. I really love this college town, and I'm going to miss it. So I'm soaking up every moment on campus I can.

-Saturday, Saturday.

-Coffee, coffee, coffee.

-Possibilities.

I've started studying photographers' work. I really should have been doing this all along, but I never realized how much it helps me as a photojournalist. I have so many ideas and inspiration based on these photos I see. I'm starting to keep a little journal of photo ideas and locations. I think it'll be really helpful in studio.

I'm reading a book called Expat: Women's True Tales of Life Abroad. I'm loving it so far. I'm doing some real research on expatriate life, and I think I really am going to do it. At least for a couple of years. The only thing that kills me is that I'd miss seeing this chunk of my brothers' lives playing out. My little brother, Brett, really really doesn't want me to go. It breaks my heart and makes me tear up just thinking about it. When I lived in Italy, I would talk to him on the phone, and he'd speak as he usually does, in nervous little short sentences. After he got off the phone and I talked to my mom again, she said he walked away in tears. That, of course, made me cry. And when I talk to my mom about moving, Brett always ends up coming into the room asking, "Are you really going to Sweden for two years? Are you really going to Africa for a year?" The answer is always, "I don't know yet." But if I do end up going, I'm going to miss that kid so much. And I don't want to miss him growing up, you know? He's ten. Of course there's my other brother, Bryce, who is about to go to college. By the time I came back, he'd be a man, figuring out his own life after graduation. I would miss that kid like crazy, too. I love him to death and I think he is going to create such an amazing life for himself. He's so freaking talented. I don't want to miss seeing him learn and grow and discover who he's going to be.

Ugh, I hate it when my romanticized ideas of life abroad are interrupted by the sucky realities of it. I know it won't be wonderful all the time. I know that. I remember how crappy it was when I realized I wasn't going to fit right into the culture of Italy, when I had to worry about whether I would make friends, when even grocery shopping was a difficult and exhausting endeavor, and when my cravings for something so simple as oatmeal or pop tarts or peanut butter made me cranky. I know it's going to suck sometimes, but it will be really freeing, going out into this world and making my life an adventure. Growing and trusting and seeing unbelievable things. Understanding people and being part of an international ministry.

with love and tears, cause this is going to be really hard,

Megan

crazy family.

2009-01-09T12:22:00.004-05:00

Megan: "Mom, I just can't think of anything I'd be happy doing all day every day."

Mom: goes through a long speech about how I can freelance in photography and web design and how I can live at home if I need to.

Bryce: "Plus, there's always pole dancing."

Baby Journal!!!

2009-01-04T15:04:00.003-05:00

So, today I learned that my parents kept a precious little baby journal during my first year and a half or so. I learned a lot about myself, including the fact that I was calmed down by my father whistling the Andy Griffith theme song, and that I was a rolling machine. Apparently, I often said of my surroundings, "It's pretty, isn't it?" bahaha.

My two favorite excerpts from this journal:

"Wherever you go, there follows a swath of destruction." -Dad

"You really love the outdoors. We went to get the mail this afternoon and went across the street to smell the honeysuckles. You were so bright-eyed." -Mom

Other favorites from this journal include my Dad talking about baptism and just the overwhelming feeling of love from my parents' writing.

With love and a new treasure,

Megan

Resolution #1 and more Stockholm research

2008-12-29T12:51:00.009-05:00

I was so encouraged to wake up with an email from a lovely lady serving the Lord overseas. In it was this quote, which made me think a lot.

"Make your day one in which God gets your best so that others share in the rewards of your devotion. Let the thoughts and intents of your heart be shaped and guided by time spent in His presence. David often talked about how discouraged or fearful he would become at times. Then he would interject these words, "But then I entered the sanctuary..." Being in God's presence affects all other relationships for the better." -Ravi Zacharias

I think this should be my primary goal for this semester. My relationships with people are so important to me, and honestly I've done a sucky job of being a blessing lately. More importantly, I've been really bad at blessing God lately with my efforts and my time. With my thoughts and lack of prayer. Prayer will be my focus in the new year, I think.

Bristol is going to Spain in five days. I am so excited about this. She is fantastic and beautiful, and she is so going to thrive in Espana. Life abroad is so thrilling. I'm hoping to create new memories and expansion of my horizons (abroad or not) after I graduate. I'm really, really excited about the possibility of moving to Stockholm. Even if this Apple job doesn't work out, I think I'll work for a while, save up money and just move there. Maybe not long-term, but that city is consuming my mind lately. It is especially... special to me because there was a moment in worship a few weeks ago when I realized I was not acknowledging the Lord in my planning (bad move, dude). And the instant I surrendered those thoughts and plans to Him, Stockholm jumped into my mind, sort of out of the blue. The last time that happened, it was with Florence study abroad. We'll see, but it's definitely one of the primary things on the table right now.

I would totally want to live in SoFo. Cafes and art and fashion? Count me in, please!

Also, ignore the ridiculous expression on that chick's face.

My current music obsession is Missy Higgins, especially the song "Sugarcane." I have a huge list of musicians to explore, thanks to Emily and Pandora Radio.

On the list of things to do today: keep reading, watch Gilmore Girls a lot, take a walk, clean out my car.

Go, go, go!

with love and loving this (maybe) last stint at home, which makes me sad,

Megan

Hm. 3 a.m. blogging.

2008-12-22T02:33:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure why I'm blogging at this time of night. I need to go to bed.

I'm so bothered by how shallow a person I am. I don't read enough. I don't soak in enough. I let meaningful things bounce off of me, and that is stupid. Why don't I internalize enough wisdom? Ugh, Lord, I want to be wiser and more capable than I am now.

I'm about to be a *real* adult. Entering the real world. I applied for a job in Sweden. I have to be so much more disciplined than I am now--much more committed to learning, to the Lord. I can't be this dependent on people to motivate me to be close to God. That just is not gonna fly if I move away to a new place. Even joining a church. That isn't how this is supposed to be. The Holy Spirit is in me. What am I doing?

Change me from who I've been lately.

with love and frustration,

Megan

Updatey time!

2008-12-16T17:54:00.004-05:00

Exams are finally over, and I'm so happy that it is finally Christmas break!!! I'm getting good hours at work, and even though I have to work Christmas Eve (come visit me!) I'm really glad to have a good balance of working in Christmas madness and hanging out till the wee hours of the morning. I'm staying at home for the most part now, which is awesome, despite the miserable backache I'm getting from sleeping on the air mattress. Meh.

I'm just so excited about the Christmas season! So magical! So Luke 2! I can't contain myself!

I really wish that I would start developing my own style in photography. I still feel like such a baby photographer, and I know I need to study really good photojournalism more than I do. I am SO dissatisfied with my work right now. But I think it's just a practice thing. The more I work, the more comfortable I get. I took Sarah and Bruce's engagement pictures last weekend, which was super fun. I need to get more comfortable with being creative-- I allllways get overwhelmed and indecisive during portrait sessions. [Insert Charlie Brown-style Aaugh! here]

But it made me really excited. What fun!

I'm still in my pj's. bahaha. I've fully been wearing them for 24 hours (because of the pj/semiformal party last night). I really have to take a shower and wear clothes like a normal person. I'm disgusting; please don't judge me.

For the rest of the evening: clean, watch a super-Christmasy movie, spend good time with the Lord, read, decorate the fun little tree in my room. Make an awesome salad with pears and pomegranate seeds. Mmm...

Uneventful update, maybe.

Whatev.

With love and The Hush Sound,

Megan

I'm, like, totally lame...

2008-12-03T21:36:00.005-05:00

But I thought this would be fun. So I did it.

I'm also in my kitchen making tea while typing this. It makes me feel grown up somehow.

Anyway, here is what you do: for all of these questions, type in the answer to flickr and pick a picture from the first three pages. Then copy-paste those hyperlinks here, and you've got yourself a fun little mosaic going on!

1. Name: Megan

2. Favorite food: pasta

3. Current town: Chapel Hill

4. Favorite color: yellow

5. Celebrity crush: John Krasinski (don't make fun. I just have an irrational desire for Jim Halpert to be a real person.)

6. Favorite drink: Peppermint mocha

7. Dream vacation: Glendalough, Ireland

8. Favorite dessert: tiramisu

9. What I want to be when I grow up: a blessing

10. What I love most in the world: Jesus

11. One word that describes me: dreamer

12. My username: farfalla fiorentina (on flickr), but that turned up nothing so I just typed "farfalla"

hooray! Ok, the goal is bed by 11. Go!

With love and trying to recover my voice to sing for juries tomorrow,

Megan

In the UL: A haiku

2008-12-02T22:36:00.004-05:00

(UL is short for

Undergrad library, son.

Minus the "son" part.)

I'm really tired.

It is only 10:30.

Seriously, what?

Ten pages to write.

Operant Conditioning,

I so hate your guts.

Here's who I don't hate:

Cheddar the rat, my subject

for this dang paper.

Cheddar isn't real.

He's a little "cyberrat."

I conditioned him.

He can press a bar

Like thirty times a minute

Just to get water.

Kind of impressive

For a little computer

rat simulation.

My iPod's playing

Maroon 5, so I'm calmer.

K, this is the end.

with love and a sleepy stupor,

Megan