Sometimes I really make myself laugh. I am so vague and nonsensical when I blog. I'll try to be better about that.

I'm moving out today, living at home for the next week or so while I work at day camp (YAY). I am thrilled to be able to hang out with 5-6 year-olds next week. Being at college is awesome, but I really miss kids. I've been super-jealous of all the Carolina kids' camp counselors this summer. But now I get to play with kids for a WHOLE week!!

Man, is God good. I've been reading through Psalms, which is really refreshing. It's nice to see human emotion in the Bible, especially when it's really conflicted and inconsistent. It mirrors me a lot, and sometimes a psalm will start out really angsty, and then at the end the writer reminds himself of God's truth and convinces himself to trust it. I love that, because I feel like it's so much of my own experience-- getting angry and messing up, but reminding myself of God's promises.

It's thundering. So much for going to the pool in a few minutes.

I went to the beach with my Bible study last weekend. It felt so nice to be hanging around on the beach, doing nothing of importance with no itinerary. And it was so sweet to get to know a lot of the girls in my Bible study better. I love that group of girls. And I'm going to choir tonight at church, which is quite exciting. I think it will be great fun.

I need to get more of my stuff moved out to my car before it starts pouring rain! Yikes!

With love and a new favorite hoodie,
Megan

Today I'm feeling the need to escape. To move to New York and get a job, join a really awesome church and start over (Bristol and Emily can move with me-- that'd be great). Why do I always feel like I need to be somewhere else? I am so content, and yet I know there are bigger things... better things that will be within grasp soon, I suppose.

I made a friend recently who has challenged the way I think. Just by his words in everyday conversation, I feel challenged. To think deeply and quickly. To be able to access extensive knowledge because I have read and taken in important things. To be motivated to learn. It's funny how much you can learn from simple conversations with people.



On a totally different note, some things are impossible to explain to people. I'm coming to a point where I'm comfortable with what God has shown me in certain areas in my life. It feels great to know that something is right-- that something is doubtlessly of God. But then when you try to explain it verbally, there aren't nearly enough words. Or there are too many meaningless words.

God has so been my refuge lately. He has been calling me to Himself, and finally I am tuning my ear to Him a little better. Through books and His word and tactile experiences, He is making Himself so real to me. I stood with my feet in the ocean Friday night, looking up at a vast sky of stars and feeling so small but so full. To think that He desires me-- that thought became so simultaneously real and unbelievable to me for the first time. (You know those thoughts that you should have thought before, and you are just now grasping them for the first time? It's kind of humbling.)

Anyway, I guess God is just being Himself, and He reveals glimpses of Himself through my experiences.

And I love Him for reminding me of Himself, even when things seem unbearable. For example, mid-horrible-cry, I think of how sweet it would be to spend time with Him. What could be more comforting?

With love and dehydration,
Megan

also, Nichole Nordeman is just good. "Brave" has been my theme song lately (thanks to Em).

There are a lot of things I don't understand right now-- things that seem to have gone awry, or that aren't quite the way they should be. I trust that they'll be set right. But my heart is heavy with some things... for a friend to understand that he is loved and that his debt has already been paid. And for difficult goodbyes to soften and fade into something new and beautiful.

My hair smells like dye. Ew.

Hello, Secondhand Serenade. You are wonderful. (I am talking to Emily and she is introducing me to new and fantastic music. I love her. And for more reasons than that.)

I miss Firenze a lot. I close my eyes sometimes and mentally walk around Florence. Is that weird? Probably.

with love and sleepiness,
Megan

I'm sitting outside at a bus stop in the rain. My bus doesn't come for another half hour. And my surroundings are really peaceful and I've been so stressed today, so this is wonderful.

And it just got more wonderful because there's a rainbow.

Let me paint the atmosphere for you: I'm at an outdoor bus stop under a dirty overhang. It's been raining, but it's reduced to sprinkles now, and the air is still really thick and clean with rain. I can see the light of a really beautiful sunset on the tops of buildings... it's a deep orangey yellow. There's a faint rainbow directly in front of me. My feet are wet in my leather flip flops (I did not plan well for this weather).

And I can breathe. I had a project due tonight and a test tomorrow, both of which have been consuming my mind all day. It's so nice just to sit, and be in the midst of beauty, even if I'm weird and beauty takes the form of rain and wet bricks and a rainbow partially obscured by the social work building. This is just a really good moment. I don't know.

And there's no one around me, so I can hum and sing softly a tune that's been in my head all day.

I like documenting these really peaceful moments.

With love and wet feet,
Megan

It's funny how some places arouse emotions like crazy. I went to camp last night, which always does that to me. I was there for 10 years. I became myself there. And I have continued to grow since then. I said hellos and goodbyes, and as I was waiting to deliver brownies, I sat on the beach volleyball court in the empty ballfield. The combination of an indigo sky, cricket chirps and somewhat distant familiarity calmed my heart, and I sat, humming a hymn. God has done so much in me. Even though things are different for me now, I look back on working at camp-- and images remain fresh in my mind, and I think of late nights on the porch, staff meetings, and loving those kids. Loving them because God, my wonderful God, was spilling His love over on me.

I'm different than I was that last summer. God has broadened my world and softly coaxed me away from that home-- that beautiful, sacred place where my heart has found rest for so many years. I stood in the middle of the camp road, dust and gravel under my feet, and watched the entire camp gather around the basketball court for fireworks. Fireworks started to go off, and boy counselors started singing patriotic songs in big, silly voices while children cheered, silhouetted by sparks and flashes of green and white light. I cried a good cry--for the first time in a while--as I turned around and walked into the dark to my car. And as I sobbed softly, I felt a familiar peace flood over me.

Some things are so hard to let go of.

With love and watermelon,
Megan

So I've been learning.

1. I'm so uncomfortable making my own decisions. Seriously, as stupid as that sounds, it's true. I find myself being incredibly apologetic for being myself. I make excuses a lot, or try to base my decisions on what someone else would have me do. I get nervous talking to new people. It is so weird that I am 21 and just now beginning to grow comfortable in my own skin/ growing up and taking responsibility for myself. I make my own decisions. That feels good.

2. New people are really good. I wish I could just listen to people talk about their lives all the time.

3. I slouch to be unnoticed/not taller than anyone else. This results in a bad back, the fueling of crappy confidence and a preggo-looking stomach. So I'm working on my posture.

4. I freaking don't know how to eat. So when I went to the store on Thursday, I bought zucchini and bell peppers and other produce that would probably be better for me than granola bars, cookies and cheese tortillas.

5. I love Wall-E. No other robot has captured my heart so; of this I am certain.

Also, I came home to spend time with my family, and my mom and I watched Silence of the Lambs. bahaha. I was actually really impressed, and I thought it was well done.

theee end.

With love and home,
Megan

Disclaimer: This post contains serious girliness and emotional involvement. Content not suitable for children or wishy-washy boys.

I am still in my little aqua dress, with curly hair and ouchy feet and happy thoughts that I want to blog about (clearly). No matter that I have a paper to write. This will take fiiive minutes. Really.

Nancy and Will got married today (yaaay!) and I am just so overwhelmed with their perfectness for each other. It's been such a long time coming! And there was so much joy in their faces, in anticipation of spending the rest of their lives together. During one of the songs, I looked over and they were holding hands, eyes closed, softly singing along together. It was so beautiful.


Recently, I've been thinking a lot about marriage/engagement/weddings and the excitement that I want to have in those parts of my life. In these thoughts and daydreams and such, I didn't really touch on the fact that I am going to invest myself in this person, that I am going to trust him with my life. But when I go to these weddings and witness the immense love that is shared by two people, my heart leaps with excitement to think that one day this might happen to me. I so crave a strong, Biblical marriage. I don't want to set myself up to be disappointed or to expect too much, but thinking about being able to share my life with a man I can trust and joyfully serve puts a grin on my face and dreams in my head.

I have had a lot of recurring dreams about my wedding day, and in every one I am totally not ready or wanting to get married at all. I would wake up tense and full of anxiety and simultaneous relief that it was only a dream. This week I had a dream about my wedding day, and I wasn't necessarily giddy beyond belief or anything, but I was so glad. Just completely sure that I was making the right choice with someone whose face I couldn't see. But it was someone I trusted fully, and someone I was fully ready to spend my life loving. It was one of those dreams where you can't see the man's face, but you know his character and who he is. It was a nice change of dream-pace.

It's really nice to think that there's someone out there that I could joyfully commit my life to.

With love and wayyyyyy too much girliness,
Megan

crap. I still haven't started my paper.