For the past week or so, I've felt really strange in my time in the Lord. I can't pinpoint what it is-- I feel so painfully aware of my sin and yet reassured that His grace reaches into the depths of my experience. It's not an emotional feeling-- it's sobering, really. I've been clinging to the words of my sisters, the word of the Lord, even song lyrics to reinforce this to me. I can't get enough of it; it's just something that I need to be immersed in, not to make myself feel better about myself, but just to have this truth bored into my heart.

Someone shared this passage with me yesterday, and I don't remember having come across it before. It's in Ezekiel 16, which is a little obscure, but it is so descriptive of where I have been lately.

Again, the word of the Lord came to me: "Son of man, make known to Jerusalem her abominations, and say, Thus says the Lord God to Jerusalem: Your origin and your birth are of the land of the Canaanites; your father was an Amorite and your mother at Hittite. And as for your birth, on the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you, nor rubbed with salt, nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things to you out of compassion for you, but you were cast out on the open field, for you were abhorred, on the day that you were born.

"And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, "Live!" Yes, I said to you in your blood "Live!" I made you flourish like a plant of the field. And you grew up and became tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare.

"When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God."

God saw me, lying in my blood, and said, "live." There's no romanticizing the fact that I was completely bare and dirty, and there's nothing of value I have to offer Him.

I don't know what it is, but this is just really humbling and sobering for me. And I like that there is the promise of Him making me beautiful. Making me like Himself.

It's just lately I feel like I've taken steps backwards, that I'm still lying there, feeble, in need of rescue. He has redeemed me already; why am I feeling like this? I guess it's one of those times where my worship and love for Him is a choice, and whether or not I feel clean and whole and capable and full of strength, I will follow him.

with love and chilly weather,
Megan

J.D. has been preaching a series called, "Why I'm Not a Christian." They set up a website for people to respond (whyimnotachristian.com), and they published a huge page of responses. You can feel the anger seething from the responses-- people who have been wronged by the church, or who think that Christianity is ludicrous. One answer resonated with me the most. It was simple and genuine.

"mostly because I would have to give up too much."

I don't know why. But this just pierced my heart. I want so badly for this person to know what they would gain from knowing Jesus. But I'm really surprised by their honesty.

I'm really happy that the weather is starting to change (I'm ignoring the fact that the high is 95 today). But I love fall; it's my favorite, and I'm so excited about the leaves and such, since I really missed them living in the city last year. Yay for crisp air and falling leaves and apple cider and sweaters and corduroys.

Trusting God is good, and I'm trying to do more of it.

I also have realized lately that I spend way too much on stuff I don't need (ok I've known this for a while). I'll go buy something cute from Target, even if it's a dollar, and it serves as a kind of pick-me-up, and that probably shouldn't be the case. I need to find my identity, fulfillment and delight in the Lord, not in things.

On the agenda today:
Deliver book and photos to Ms. Montague
Dinner at home
Laundry
Clean, clean, clean because I certainly won't have time to do it this week!

With love and good sermons,
Megan

I don't think I have ever had a semester in which the days fly by so quickly. It's not that I don't want to get things done, or that I'm procrastinating. It's that there aren't even enough hours in the day to do what I need to do. I am already behind-- how is that even happening?

Things have been hard lately. I've found that I hold myself back, to the point that when I do have to talk in front of people, it comes out in a jumbled mess often opposite of what I mean to say. Lesson learned this week: speak boldly, but speak wisely.

Finding my identity in the Lord has been a point of focus, too. I am so thankful that in Jesus there is freedom. Not slavery or shoes to fill or checklists. But joy and rest. True, true freedom. I get this image of a tiny bird released from a cage, overwhelmed by the fact that it can go anywhere, not sure where to even begin. But fluttering on the wind and finding a course, stumbling upon beauty and making discoveries.

So here I sit with my green tea and rose candle, my written-in-every-available-space planner opened to this past week. I'm catching up on things that are past-due. I had a 12-hour day today and I am going through feminine products like it's my job. I mean... did I just say that? And I have clean jeans on my bed and a hair straightener that actually works, and lots and lots to do tomorrow, including shooting a giant paper puppet show thang for pj, doing a multimedia project that will inevitably take me a few hours and lots of other things.

Now it's time for showering and cleaning this crazy room and bedtime.

With love and dearly missing my 10-22mm lens,
Megan

I am resolving to have more adventures this semester.

These may include finding my way to the roof of Davis library, doing something way out of my comfort zone, and/or just living without holding back so much.

And being a better photojournalist, and better about making an effort to get to know people.

I also resolve to go to bed. It's 2:10 and I have to be at church in like 6 hours. I must get up early enough to make espresso.

I miss the Ponte Vecchio tonight (see above photo).

with love and a bullfighter on my wall,
Megan

Things I love about my new place:
Comfy brown couch
Lavender oil diffuser
Espresso pot with which to make cappuccinos every morning (I much prefer them to cappuccinos anywhere else).
My own room, painted "Eucalyptus Leaf." It's not green. I had a crisis and changed my mind, and I love the color.
My glorious bed. It is finally here.
Framed pictures from Europe on the wall, soon to be accompanied by a world map and vintage Barcelona bullfight poster.
A big closet.
Space.
Space.
Space.
A fresh start.

And other such things. Now it's time to go to Rachel's and then jazz. A more substantial update to come.

With love and the limpics,
Megan

~this is new~

So jazz didn't happen, and therefore I will say this. I have been so astounded by salvation lately, which is really refreshing and it's the grace of God that brings me to this point.

The phrase, "my sins are all washed away," keeps creeping into my mind. Every time I utter or sing that phrase, even run through it in my head, I am instantly immersed in peace. A smile probably comes across my face and I try my best to let truth sink in as far as possible-- to permeate the unbelief and apathy that so often envelop my heart.

We read a chapter on confession from The Celebration of Discipline (Foster) for Bible study this week. I think I tend to underestimate the severity and frequency of my sin in order to feel better about God loving me. It's always been really difficult for me to accept that God loves me so deeply that He would die for me. So looking over my own sin has been a crutch to facilitate my grasp of God's love. To see myself as a sort of decent person makes it easier for me to believe God loves me. Turns out that, when I see my sin for what it is, and when I see myself as what I really am-- wicked, broken, human to the core-- God, too, sees every bit of it and chooses to love me anyway. And kick it up a notch, He sees Christ's righteousness on me!!! Are you getting this?

Buh.

I think my brain just exploded.

So I will leave you with this. We sang this before communion a few weeks ago. It's so good.

Man of Sorrows-- what a name
For the Son of God, who came
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah, what a Savior.

Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood.
Sealed my pardon with His blood,
Hallelujah, what a Savior.

Guilty, vile, and helpless we;
Spotless Lamb of God was He.
Full atonement-- can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Lifted up was He to die;
"It is finished," was His cry.
Now in heaven exalted high,
Hallelujah, what a Savior!

When He comes, our glorious king,
All his ransomed home to bring,
Then anew His song we'll sing:
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

I used to wonder why you couldn't feel the world turning, and why when you jumped in the air, the earth didn't scoot over a few inches before you landed on the ground. Growing up was the same way. You don't feel it happening, but it does. I used to have a pair of green and purple slip-on canvas shoes with a picture of Ariel from The Little Mermaid on them. They were too big, and for weeks I would try them on again, just to find that they were still too big. A few weeks later, I tried them on again, and they were too tight to even wear.

This chapter of my life (college and such), for the first time, I really feel myself growing. I can point out milestones, things that make me stronger and events that spurred me on to even bigger things. Changes in thought and opinion, horizons broadened. I really like it. I haven't consciously been aware of my growing up before now. It's always just flown by, unnoticed until I observe myself in retrospect.

Yesterday, I did photography for my first official event-- a 50th wedding anniversary party. It went pretty well, minus the fact that my favorite lens is broken (hopefully not irreparably), and I'm really sore. It felt good, though, to be doing something purposefully, knowing that it was preparing me for bigger things.

Tomorrow, I move in to my new apartment. I had a semi-crisis trying to decide what color to paint my room. I was set on green, but now am deciding between a really pretty blue-green and a light purple. We'll see. I also bought this freakin awesome mirror from World Market. I'm kind of super-excited. Yay for a new place!

I'm starting my last year of college. It makes me feel like I've missed out, for some reason. I don't have any concrete, unforgettable Carolina experiences. It's just been this lifestyle I've gotten used to. I think I'm going to have to consciously soak up Chapel Hill this year.

With love and beginnings/endings,
Megan

-Move to California, preferably San Francisco. Maybe commute from Sausalito. Eat healthily.
-Move to New York. Attend Gallery Church. Reach out to the AIDS population. Stick out like a sore southern thumb. Love the energy of the city. Watch the lighting of the tree at Rockefeller Center. Be a part of everything.
-Join Americorps, live in New York, participate in the above.
-Join the Peace Corps, go somewhere. Do something important to help people.
-Join in with a missions organization, go anywhere, and love people.
-Move to Stockholm. Be a tour guide or some kind of working professional. Be a part of a church plant.
-Live in Italy. Work with a school or study abroad program.
-Stay in RDU, do... something.
-Something else.

I can't believe I need to have some kind of clue about what I'm doing in, like, 3 months.

Any recommendations?

With love and entering the real world in less than a year,
Megan