So I've been learning.

1. I'm so uncomfortable making my own decisions. Seriously, as stupid as that sounds, it's true. I find myself being incredibly apologetic for being myself. I make excuses a lot, or try to base my decisions on what someone else would have me do. I get nervous talking to new people. It is so weird that I am 21 and just now beginning to grow comfortable in my own skin/ growing up and taking responsibility for myself. I make my own decisions. That feels good.

2. New people are really good. I wish I could just listen to people talk about their lives all the time.

3. I slouch to be unnoticed/not taller than anyone else. This results in a bad back, the fueling of crappy confidence and a preggo-looking stomach. So I'm working on my posture.

4. I freaking don't know how to eat. So when I went to the store on Thursday, I bought zucchini and bell peppers and other produce that would probably be better for me than granola bars, cookies and cheese tortillas.

5. I love Wall-E. No other robot has captured my heart so; of this I am certain.

Also, I came home to spend time with my family, and my mom and I watched Silence of the Lambs. bahaha. I was actually really impressed, and I thought it was well done.

theee end.

With love and home,
Megan

Disclaimer: This post contains serious girliness and emotional involvement. Content not suitable for children or wishy-washy boys.

I am still in my little aqua dress, with curly hair and ouchy feet and happy thoughts that I want to blog about (clearly). No matter that I have a paper to write. This will take fiiive minutes. Really.

Nancy and Will got married today (yaaay!) and I am just so overwhelmed with their perfectness for each other. It's been such a long time coming! And there was so much joy in their faces, in anticipation of spending the rest of their lives together. During one of the songs, I looked over and they were holding hands, eyes closed, softly singing along together. It was so beautiful.


Recently, I've been thinking a lot about marriage/engagement/weddings and the excitement that I want to have in those parts of my life. In these thoughts and daydreams and such, I didn't really touch on the fact that I am going to invest myself in this person, that I am going to trust him with my life. But when I go to these weddings and witness the immense love that is shared by two people, my heart leaps with excitement to think that one day this might happen to me. I so crave a strong, Biblical marriage. I don't want to set myself up to be disappointed or to expect too much, but thinking about being able to share my life with a man I can trust and joyfully serve puts a grin on my face and dreams in my head.

I have had a lot of recurring dreams about my wedding day, and in every one I am totally not ready or wanting to get married at all. I would wake up tense and full of anxiety and simultaneous relief that it was only a dream. This week I had a dream about my wedding day, and I wasn't necessarily giddy beyond belief or anything, but I was so glad. Just completely sure that I was making the right choice with someone whose face I couldn't see. But it was someone I trusted fully, and someone I was fully ready to spend my life loving. It was one of those dreams where you can't see the man's face, but you know his character and who he is. It was a nice change of dream-pace.

It's really nice to think that there's someone out there that I could joyfully commit my life to.

With love and wayyyyyy too much girliness,
Megan

crap. I still haven't started my paper.

(in no particular order)

-The feeling of sun on your skin (and sun-colored skin)
-Fireflies at dusk
-Fireworks and the light they cast on peoples' faces.
-Cool nighttime air
-Fun nighttime outings that make you feel like a socialite.
-Clutch purses (they may not be exclusively summery, but I still like them)
-Tank tops
-The feeling of being slightly more liberated, even if you're still in school and working
-Lots of weddings
-Baseball games
-Flip flops
-Being OUTSIDE
-Swimming, and the fact that you have a bigger range of movement when you're in water.
-Laying in the sun after swimming to dry off (as Sandy says, "like a lizard").
-The fact that it's light until approximately 9 p.m.
-Windows down and music loud
-I think people smile more and laugh heartier in the summer. I don't know why I think this.
-Watermelon milkshakes from Cookout (July-August only). (I know it sounds gross to mix milkshakeyness with watermelon, but it is SO good.)
-Christmas lights plus foliage.

Things I do not love: the fact that I'm working at 9:30 in the morning tomorrow. Bummer, dude.

With love and a crazy busy/awesome weekend,
Megan

I love summer. I've spent a couple of evenings the past week sitting out by Barnes and Noble, reading or doing work or journaling or whatever. I always forget how much I love being outside. I walked back to my car around dusk tonight, and the sky seemed bigger, more vast than usual. My eyes were just fixed on the dark blue clouds, and my heart was quiet and I just breathed deeply and it was lovely.

I'm learning a lot about prayer lately, and how it's so irresponsible of me not to pray. Not that I ought to pray in order to be a more responsible/"better" person, but that's just something that comes along with it. We have been given the opportunity to just sit and talk with God, and He chooses to let us be a part of making history by praying fervently. How irresponsible to let that opportunity go to waste, and how un-loving of me to fail to pray for those around me, and those I haven't even met yet. There is a dire need for Christians to pray, and pray with belief.

Just a thought.

I really can't wait to decorate my new room, but more so, I just really miss my big world wall map. It's such a faithful reminder of how small I am, and how much of the world there is to see and experience and love and share Jesus with. And I'm going to paint my walls green and sleep soundly in my own bed.

I just started second summer session, and I'm going to make a countdown calendar. This class may just suck the life out of me (Lab Research Psyc). Three hours a day. So much time to be talking about statistics and data analysis (which sounds like Chandler's job).

I also got a new phone that looks like an egg. It's no iPhone, but I like it a lot, and it doesn't take 15 minutes of plugging and unplugging and turning on and off to get it to charge every night! Yess!

I think I will go get a new grown-up license tomorrow.

With love and new earrings,
Megan

Or something.

I just typed up (and deleted) a few paragraphs about ideal situations for the future-- where I'd be based, what I'd like to do. I feel like I'm kind of beating a dead horse with these things, but it's what I keep dreaming of. I'm realizing though, that while dreaming and planning are fantastic, it's really not up to me where I'll be in a year. I am going to grow so much in this year, and I am thinking about this past year and where it has taken me.

A year ago, I was in summer school (some things never quit being necessary) and preparing for Italy. I was living at home. I was experiencing my first summer away from New Life Camp, and that broke my heart. I wasn't working, but I was so stressed out because I wanted to work, and I felt super-guilty about having a grand total of like $500 to help finance a semester abroad. I was thrilled, scared, emotional, feeling unfit for the adventure before me.

I don't think I was ever fit to go, but since I've been back, I've felt so much more capable of being on my own. Once I get an income sufficient to live off of, I'll be able to budget. I would be totally ok to travel almost anywhere by myself (at least anywhere with the same alphabet; Greece was a bit difficult). After riding an overnight bus to a tiny town in Southern Italy all by myself, I think I'll be ok. [This reminds me, I never wrote a blog entry about that, because it was a surprise for my Dad and I didn't want him to find out. I'll have to get on that.] But I'm hoping I become more prepared during my senior year-- more prepared with photography, managing finances (and time), continuing to build strong relationships with people and learning more about where they come from.

It's going to be a good year.

In other news: I'm starting to save for my next European adventure. It's raining, finally, and I love the sound of it pounding on leaves and on the roof outside my bedroom. This means I can't climb out on my roof tonight, but that's ok. And I'm home, lying on the couch, typing on my mac, and watching princess diaries on abc family.

With love and rain and wishing I was in Firenze,
Megan

That has nothing to do with this post, but I do. So there.

So my car is going to cost $700 to fix, and I'm pretty upset. We don't have that money right now! Blah! In addition to this, I'm getting some pretty sweet time off work next week, but I need the hours. I also need something akin to a Honda that doesn't cost $80 to fill up.

Also, Goodnight Goodnight by Maroon 5 starts with the same notes as Kryptonite by...whoever, 3 doors down? That's weird.

Lately, I've been seeing God in so much, and I'm really starting to see that I need Him desperately and just can't be anything good in myself. I'm such a sucky person. But He is so beautiful and continues to be all I need and way more.

Something that continues to frustrate me is my lack of eloquence when I speak. For some reason, everything I say comes out as 1. really jumbled, like I don't know what the heck I'm even trying to say, or 2. A captain obvious comment. I hate that. I think the fact that I have so many things going on in my head makes it difficult to filter out what to say. I wish I had more organized thoughts/speech.

Ok. Clinical psychology paper time. Ready... go!

with love and ten thousand thoughts,
Megan

p.s. I took a nap at home today, and I cannot wait to bring my big bed to the apartment in August. It is glorious.

Rachel came and told me good night, and I totally thought it was 9 or 10. It was 12:15. I am so not tired.

It's ok, because tomorrow I don't have my first class, so I can sleep in. I also have Bible study, which I'm pretty excited about, too.

I finished A Thousand Splendid Suns today. I feel extra-accomplished when I finish big books like that. It was so good. I cried some, especially when Tariq... well, I don't want to ruin it for you. Here is one of my favorite little dialogues:

"Your father is a good man. He is the best man I've ever known."
"What if he leaves?" Aziza said.
"He will never leave. Look at me, Aziza. Your father will never hurt you, and he will never leave."
The relief on Aziza's face broke Laila's heart.

I think that everyone is at least a little jaded and broken, and to know that a love will be permanent almost seems unreal. And we want so badly to believe that this can be true for us. For a lot of people, I guess that's found in a familial relationship, or in a marital relationship. But it's so wonderful to know that God will never fail us. We will never be let down by Him. We might feel neglected by Him sometimes, or feel like He isn't there, but His character is consistency, and He will never hurt us or leave us. We are so, so precious to Him.

I think God's beginning to break down a stronghold in my heart, and I'm really thankful for that. It seems really trivial at face value, but it's a big deal in that it's really been consuming my thoughts, so I'm so glad that I can just put it behind me.

On a random sidenote, If I had a plane ticket to just about anywhere right now, I'd go. I think this is true most of the time, but I felt like saying it. So there you go.

With love and a busy schedule,
Megan

It has been a long time since I've stayed up too late reading a book that I can't put down. It actually makes me wish I could read faster so I can find out what happens faster. I love books like that. It's A Thousand Splendid Suns, by the way. And it's great.

Yesterday was a fantastic day. I had the day off work, so I went to the pool and swam and tanned (which will make no apparent difference), and then I went to campfire and saw wonderful people and fun campers, and I really missed it. I miss being a part of something so important. I know God has other important things for me, but I wish I could be there for one more summer. Something about camp soothes me. It's home.

I'm skipping class today. I'm going to bake cupcakes for a roomie's birthday and mayyybe go to the pool, and then work until 11. Wooohoo.

And read.

With love and missing things,
Megan

I've become really dissatisfied with myself lately. Not only do I feel like I haven't been learning like I should, but I also find myself wasting a lot of time. I'll sit on my computer or watch a disk of Friends episodes after class. Which is fine, but not what I need to be doing so often.

I am not even close to the kind of person I want to be-- need to be-- to achieve the kind of dreams that I have. Granted, I can't do those things in my own strength, but I am not preparing myself to be used in that capacity. My relationship with God isn't near where it needs to be. My discipline sucks. I'm not serving others like I ought to. I have a list of 46 books I want to read. And I know there's so many more out there to be read and to learn from. People to listen to and understand.

When did I decide that being lazy was more worth my time? And when did I decide that thinking about really trivial things was the way to spend my life?

I guess it's good that I'm not satisfied with where I am. I never want to be. But I'd like to know I'm using my life as I should. Ya know?

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse with this, but I just need to be reminded of my complacency a lot because I won't get off my butt and do something important.

I'm going to go read outside now.

Sidenote: William Fitzsimmons is wonderful. So are The Elms, but you already knew that.

With love and sun,
Megan