I was so encouraged to wake up with an email from a lovely lady serving the Lord overseas. In it was this quote, which made me think a lot.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging at this time of night. I need to go to bed. 

But I thought this would be fun. So I did it. 

(UL is short for

Can I vent to you, nice blog reader, for just a second? Satan pisses me off. And here is why: this evening I caught a glimpse of just how ravaged with sin this world is, and how he seeks to steal, kill and destroy our joy and what we love. On my way home from Bible study, after hearing how a dear sister's family is hurting-- how something so beautiful could be contorted into something horrible-- I just wept. I haven't been angry in a really long time, and I don't really get angry. The idea that someone or something could desire such evil for the world makes me appalled and physically sick. I can't wrap my mind around that.

1. I'm totally not going to my 9 a.m. class tomorrow.

I just read this on J.D.'s blog. It is real good. Read the whole thing.

What of Peter's admonition to "be ready to give an answer?" He means we are to live in such a way that our lives BEG a question from people that are watching, not that we're just ready to "talk about our faith when people are curious." Our lives were to be so characterized by RADICAL generosity, and they were to display such joy in the midst of suffering, that people were simply befuddled and had to ask us what was wrong with us.

I went to the Orange House today. [The Orange House is a house whose residents are living with AIDS and receiving care. I'm doing my final photo story on them, and I am so freaking excited.] I LOVE these people. They are so willing to speak (perhaps not so much willing to be photographed), but willing to say, "life goes on; I take care of myself now better than I ever did." And vulnerable enough to say, "Don't be afraid of me." And hilarious enough to tell inappropriate jokes and say to me, "Oh it's ok for you to have a drink. We just got new cups." -- after talking about how misinformed people think you can catch AIDS by drinking out of the same glass, etc. I just want to go hang out with them! I'm really excited to do audio interviews with them tomorrow; I think I have a really good idea for an audio plotline if I can get the audio to work it.

Mk. Places to go, people to see.

With love and IT TOTALLY SNOWED THE OTHER DAY FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!,
Megan

Please, please, please!

If I could be anywhere at this moment: I'd be in Munich, sipping Starbucks and walking around in the snow (according to weather.com, it's supposed to snow there next weekend-- I could make it just in time!). 

At this moment, if I could be anywhere, I'd be:

Today, I sat in the Viscom labs from 2 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. I did not leave the building. And I only left the room twice-- once for water and once to talk to the wonderful Emily, whom I love. But this was an eerie experience, and this is why:

Today, I woke up at 5, studied for an exam, threw together an audio slideshow (the audio suuucks) stressed and ran and cramped and hated being a girl and teared up and made plans and cancelled plans. 

So, I sing with the symphony and I get to hang out with/take photos of freakin amazing BMX bikers. 

I'm applying for a travel scholarship to live in Paris for three months next fall and do a series of photo stories.

The idea scares the crap out of me, but I am really fascinated. I think it might be really great if I can just figure out exactly what my story/angle is going to be. And it can't hurt to just apply.

I'm also applying for a multimedia internship/summer job.

The real world is fast approaching. Woah.

With love and a song in my head,
Megan

Don't tell anyone, but I'm totally at home in pj's, doing laundry and catching up on The Office and Fringe. I neeeeed this night.

I went to Greensboro this weekend to see my favorite Emily on the planet. I just love Greensboro so freaking much!!! I think it's the artsy culture everywhere. I need to spend more time in Carrboro.

It was so nice not to work today. I love Apple, and I love being around the people at work, but it was so great just to get away for a Saturday. I feel like I never am able to just up and go anywhere. It's always strictly scheduled, always arranged whenever I can possibly fit it in. I don't like that. I don't like being in class for 21+ hours a week. I don't like working 18 hours on top of that. And I don't like having to squeeze in photo shoots and lab time on top of THAT. Hopefully next semester won't be too bad. I can't do choir, which is a bummer, but it will free up a lot of my time. I'll be done with my psyc major after this semester, and I only have 2 required classes left, meaning I get to take two electives and then have only 12 hours!!!! Hellooo graphic design and studio photography!

Emily brought up a really good point this weekend that we don't have to pick just one thing to do after college. We can do as many things as we want. That's such a relief. I feel like I have to know what I'm going into, what I am going to commit myself to after school. That's so not true! Those fifteen potential careers/locations posted on my door-- I can do all of them if I really want to (it might take a while, but whatever).I wish I was more creative. And I wish I set aside more time to write and play and sing and just do what makes me happy-- to exercise my creativity. I feel really stifled lately. I'm worn out and it's just not in me to pour out more of myself into creative things. Even photojournalism has begun to be a chore for me. I hate that. It's another thing to get done, not necessarily to dwell and grow in.

As sad as this is, I want this semester to be over. I love all of my classes, but I'm spread so thin that I can't even really enjoy it.

But nights like this are good, and I just now felt a sudden burst of creativity, so I sat and wrote what may be a poem, maybe a song. It's really good to have sudden creative flow like that.

Yay. Tonight was not wasted.

So now I might go write some more or read or just do anything except be on this computer! Boo internet. Boo.

With love and laundry,
Megan

For the past week or so, I've felt really strange in my time in the Lord. I can't pinpoint what it is-- I feel so painfully aware of my sin and yet reassured that His grace reaches into the depths of my experience. It's not an emotional feeling-- it's sobering, really. I've been clinging to the words of my sisters, the word of the Lord, even song lyrics to reinforce this to me. I can't get enough of it; it's just something that I need to be immersed in, not to make myself feel better about myself, but just to have this truth bored into my heart.

Someone shared this passage with me yesterday, and I don't remember having come across it before. It's in Ezekiel 16, which is a little obscure, but it is so descriptive of where I have been lately.

Again, the word of the Lord came to me: "Son of man, make known to Jerusalem her abominations, and say, Thus says the Lord God to Jerusalem: Your origin and your birth are of the land of the Canaanites; your father was an Amorite and your mother at Hittite. And as for your birth, on the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you, nor rubbed with salt, nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things to you out of compassion for you, but you were cast out on the open field, for you were abhorred, on the day that you were born.

"And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, "Live!" Yes, I said to you in your blood "Live!" I made you flourish like a plant of the field. And you grew up and became tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare.

"When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God."

God saw me, lying in my blood, and said, "live." There's no romanticizing the fact that I was completely bare and dirty, and there's nothing of value I have to offer Him.

I don't know what it is, but this is just really humbling and sobering for me. And I like that there is the promise of Him making me beautiful. Making me like Himself.

It's just lately I feel like I've taken steps backwards, that I'm still lying there, feeble, in need of rescue. He has redeemed me already; why am I feeling like this? I guess it's one of those times where my worship and love for Him is a choice, and whether or not I feel clean and whole and capable and full of strength, I will follow him.

with love and chilly weather,
Megan

J.D. has been preaching a series called, "Why I'm Not a Christian." They set up a website for people to respond (whyimnotachristian.com), and they published a huge page of responses. You can feel the anger seething from the responses-- people who have been wronged by the church, or who think that Christianity is ludicrous. One answer resonated with me the most. It was simple and genuine.

"mostly because I would have to give up too much."

I don't know why. But this just pierced my heart. I want so badly for this person to know what they would gain from knowing Jesus. But I'm really surprised by their honesty.

I'm really happy that the weather is starting to change (I'm ignoring the fact that the high is 95 today). But I love fall; it's my favorite, and I'm so excited about the leaves and such, since I really missed them living in the city last year. Yay for crisp air and falling leaves and apple cider and sweaters and corduroys.

Trusting God is good, and I'm trying to do more of it.

I also have realized lately that I spend way too much on stuff I don't need (ok I've known this for a while). I'll go buy something cute from Target, even if it's a dollar, and it serves as a kind of pick-me-up, and that probably shouldn't be the case. I need to find my identity, fulfillment and delight in the Lord, not in things.

On the agenda today:
Deliver book and photos to Ms. Montague
Dinner at home
Laundry
Clean, clean, clean because I certainly won't have time to do it this week!

With love and good sermons,
Megan

I don't think I have ever had a semester in which the days fly by so quickly. It's not that I don't want to get things done, or that I'm procrastinating. It's that there aren't even enough hours in the day to do what I need to do. I am already behind-- how is that even happening?

Things have been hard lately. I've found that I hold myself back, to the point that when I do have to talk in front of people, it comes out in a jumbled mess often opposite of what I mean to say. Lesson learned this week: speak boldly, but speak wisely.

Finding my identity in the Lord has been a point of focus, too. I am so thankful that in Jesus there is freedom. Not slavery or shoes to fill or checklists. But joy and rest. True, true freedom. I get this image of a tiny bird released from a cage, overwhelmed by the fact that it can go anywhere, not sure where to even begin. But fluttering on the wind and finding a course, stumbling upon beauty and making discoveries.

So here I sit with my green tea and rose candle, my written-in-every-available-space planner opened to this past week. I'm catching up on things that are past-due. I had a 12-hour day today and I am going through feminine products like it's my job. I mean... did I just say that? And I have clean jeans on my bed and a hair straightener that actually works, and lots and lots to do tomorrow, including shooting a giant paper puppet show thang for pj, doing a multimedia project that will inevitably take me a few hours and lots of other things.

Now it's time for showering and cleaning this crazy room and bedtime.

With love and dearly missing my 10-22mm lens,
Megan

I am resolving to have more adventures this semester.

These may include finding my way to the roof of Davis library, doing something way out of my comfort zone, and/or just living without holding back so much.

And being a better photojournalist, and better about making an effort to get to know people.

I also resolve to go to bed. It's 2:10 and I have to be at church in like 6 hours. I must get up early enough to make espresso.

I miss the Ponte Vecchio tonight (see above photo).

with love and a bullfighter on my wall,
Megan

Things I love about my new place:
Comfy brown couch
Lavender oil diffuser
Espresso pot with which to make cappuccinos every morning (I much prefer them to cappuccinos anywhere else).
My own room, painted "Eucalyptus Leaf." It's not green. I had a crisis and changed my mind, and I love the color.
My glorious bed. It is finally here.
Framed pictures from Europe on the wall, soon to be accompanied by a world map and vintage Barcelona bullfight poster.
A big closet.
Space.
Space.
Space.
A fresh start.

And other such things. Now it's time to go to Rachel's and then jazz. A more substantial update to come.

With love and the limpics,
Megan

~this is new~

So jazz didn't happen, and therefore I will say this. I have been so astounded by salvation lately, which is really refreshing and it's the grace of God that brings me to this point.

The phrase, "my sins are all washed away," keeps creeping into my mind. Every time I utter or sing that phrase, even run through it in my head, I am instantly immersed in peace. A smile probably comes across my face and I try my best to let truth sink in as far as possible-- to permeate the unbelief and apathy that so often envelop my heart.

We read a chapter on confession from The Celebration of Discipline (Foster) for Bible study this week. I think I tend to underestimate the severity and frequency of my sin in order to feel better about God loving me. It's always been really difficult for me to accept that God loves me so deeply that He would die for me. So looking over my own sin has been a crutch to facilitate my grasp of God's love. To see myself as a sort of decent person makes it easier for me to believe God loves me. Turns out that, when I see my sin for what it is, and when I see myself as what I really am-- wicked, broken, human to the core-- God, too, sees every bit of it and chooses to love me anyway. And kick it up a notch, He sees Christ's righteousness on me!!! Are you getting this?

Buh.

I think my brain just exploded.

So I will leave you with this. We sang this before communion a few weeks ago. It's so good.

Man of Sorrows-- what a name
For the Son of God, who came
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah, what a Savior.

Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood.
Sealed my pardon with His blood,
Hallelujah, what a Savior.

Guilty, vile, and helpless we;
Spotless Lamb of God was He.
Full atonement-- can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Lifted up was He to die;
"It is finished," was His cry.
Now in heaven exalted high,
Hallelujah, what a Savior!

When He comes, our glorious king,
All his ransomed home to bring,
Then anew His song we'll sing:
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

I used to wonder why you couldn't feel the world turning, and why when you jumped in the air, the earth didn't scoot over a few inches before you landed on the ground. Growing up was the same way. You don't feel it happening, but it does. I used to have a pair of green and purple slip-on canvas shoes with a picture of Ariel from The Little Mermaid on them. They were too big, and for weeks I would try them on again, just to find that they were still too big. A few weeks later, I tried them on again, and they were too tight to even wear.

This chapter of my life (college and such), for the first time, I really feel myself growing. I can point out milestones, things that make me stronger and events that spurred me on to even bigger things. Changes in thought and opinion, horizons broadened. I really like it. I haven't consciously been aware of my growing up before now. It's always just flown by, unnoticed until I observe myself in retrospect.

Yesterday, I did photography for my first official event-- a 50th wedding anniversary party. It went pretty well, minus the fact that my favorite lens is broken (hopefully not irreparably), and I'm really sore. It felt good, though, to be doing something purposefully, knowing that it was preparing me for bigger things.

Tomorrow, I move in to my new apartment. I had a semi-crisis trying to decide what color to paint my room. I was set on green, but now am deciding between a really pretty blue-green and a light purple. We'll see. I also bought this freakin awesome mirror from World Market. I'm kind of super-excited. Yay for a new place!

I'm starting my last year of college. It makes me feel like I've missed out, for some reason. I don't have any concrete, unforgettable Carolina experiences. It's just been this lifestyle I've gotten used to. I think I'm going to have to consciously soak up Chapel Hill this year.

With love and beginnings/endings,
Megan

-Move to California, preferably San Francisco. Maybe commute from Sausalito. Eat healthily.
-Move to New York. Attend Gallery Church. Reach out to the AIDS population. Stick out like a sore southern thumb. Love the energy of the city. Watch the lighting of the tree at Rockefeller Center. Be a part of everything.
-Join Americorps, live in New York, participate in the above.
-Join the Peace Corps, go somewhere. Do something important to help people.
-Join in with a missions organization, go anywhere, and love people.
-Move to Stockholm. Be a tour guide or some kind of working professional. Be a part of a church plant.
-Live in Italy. Work with a school or study abroad program.
-Stay in RDU, do... something.
-Something else.

I can't believe I need to have some kind of clue about what I'm doing in, like, 3 months.

Any recommendations?

With love and entering the real world in less than a year,
Megan

Sometimes I really make myself laugh. I am so vague and nonsensical when I blog. I'll try to be better about that.

I'm moving out today, living at home for the next week or so while I work at day camp (YAY). I am thrilled to be able to hang out with 5-6 year-olds next week. Being at college is awesome, but I really miss kids. I've been super-jealous of all the Carolina kids' camp counselors this summer. But now I get to play with kids for a WHOLE week!!

Man, is God good. I've been reading through Psalms, which is really refreshing. It's nice to see human emotion in the Bible, especially when it's really conflicted and inconsistent. It mirrors me a lot, and sometimes a psalm will start out really angsty, and then at the end the writer reminds himself of God's truth and convinces himself to trust it. I love that, because I feel like it's so much of my own experience-- getting angry and messing up, but reminding myself of God's promises.

It's thundering. So much for going to the pool in a few minutes.

I went to the beach with my Bible study last weekend. It felt so nice to be hanging around on the beach, doing nothing of importance with no itinerary. And it was so sweet to get to know a lot of the girls in my Bible study better. I love that group of girls. And I'm going to choir tonight at church, which is quite exciting. I think it will be great fun.

I need to get more of my stuff moved out to my car before it starts pouring rain! Yikes!

With love and a new favorite hoodie,
Megan

Today I'm feeling the need to escape. To move to New York and get a job, join a really awesome church and start over (Bristol and Emily can move with me-- that'd be great). Why do I always feel like I need to be somewhere else? I am so content, and yet I know there are bigger things... better things that will be within grasp soon, I suppose.

I made a friend recently who has challenged the way I think. Just by his words in everyday conversation, I feel challenged. To think deeply and quickly. To be able to access extensive knowledge because I have read and taken in important things. To be motivated to learn. It's funny how much you can learn from simple conversations with people.



On a totally different note, some things are impossible to explain to people. I'm coming to a point where I'm comfortable with what God has shown me in certain areas in my life. It feels great to know that something is right-- that something is doubtlessly of God. But then when you try to explain it verbally, there aren't nearly enough words. Or there are too many meaningless words.

God has so been my refuge lately. He has been calling me to Himself, and finally I am tuning my ear to Him a little better. Through books and His word and tactile experiences, He is making Himself so real to me. I stood with my feet in the ocean Friday night, looking up at a vast sky of stars and feeling so small but so full. To think that He desires me-- that thought became so simultaneously real and unbelievable to me for the first time. (You know those thoughts that you should have thought before, and you are just now grasping them for the first time? It's kind of humbling.)

Anyway, I guess God is just being Himself, and He reveals glimpses of Himself through my experiences.

And I love Him for reminding me of Himself, even when things seem unbearable. For example, mid-horrible-cry, I think of how sweet it would be to spend time with Him. What could be more comforting?

With love and dehydration,
Megan

also, Nichole Nordeman is just good. "Brave" has been my theme song lately (thanks to Em).

There are a lot of things I don't understand right now-- things that seem to have gone awry, or that aren't quite the way they should be. I trust that they'll be set right. But my heart is heavy with some things... for a friend to understand that he is loved and that his debt has already been paid. And for difficult goodbyes to soften and fade into something new and beautiful.

My hair smells like dye. Ew.

Hello, Secondhand Serenade. You are wonderful. (I am talking to Emily and she is introducing me to new and fantastic music. I love her. And for more reasons than that.)

I miss Firenze a lot. I close my eyes sometimes and mentally walk around Florence. Is that weird? Probably.

with love and sleepiness,
Megan

I'm sitting outside at a bus stop in the rain. My bus doesn't come for another half hour. And my surroundings are really peaceful and I've been so stressed today, so this is wonderful.

And it just got more wonderful because there's a rainbow.

Let me paint the atmosphere for you: I'm at an outdoor bus stop under a dirty overhang. It's been raining, but it's reduced to sprinkles now, and the air is still really thick and clean with rain. I can see the light of a really beautiful sunset on the tops of buildings... it's a deep orangey yellow. There's a faint rainbow directly in front of me. My feet are wet in my leather flip flops (I did not plan well for this weather).

And I can breathe. I had a project due tonight and a test tomorrow, both of which have been consuming my mind all day. It's so nice just to sit, and be in the midst of beauty, even if I'm weird and beauty takes the form of rain and wet bricks and a rainbow partially obscured by the social work building. This is just a really good moment. I don't know.

And there's no one around me, so I can hum and sing softly a tune that's been in my head all day.

I like documenting these really peaceful moments.

With love and wet feet,
Megan

It's funny how some places arouse emotions like crazy. I went to camp last night, which always does that to me. I was there for 10 years. I became myself there. And I have continued to grow since then. I said hellos and goodbyes, and as I was waiting to deliver brownies, I sat on the beach volleyball court in the empty ballfield. The combination of an indigo sky, cricket chirps and somewhat distant familiarity calmed my heart, and I sat, humming a hymn. God has done so much in me. Even though things are different for me now, I look back on working at camp-- and images remain fresh in my mind, and I think of late nights on the porch, staff meetings, and loving those kids. Loving them because God, my wonderful God, was spilling His love over on me.

I'm different than I was that last summer. God has broadened my world and softly coaxed me away from that home-- that beautiful, sacred place where my heart has found rest for so many years. I stood in the middle of the camp road, dust and gravel under my feet, and watched the entire camp gather around the basketball court for fireworks. Fireworks started to go off, and boy counselors started singing patriotic songs in big, silly voices while children cheered, silhouetted by sparks and flashes of green and white light. I cried a good cry--for the first time in a while--as I turned around and walked into the dark to my car. And as I sobbed softly, I felt a familiar peace flood over me.

Some things are so hard to let go of.

With love and watermelon,
Megan

So I've been learning.

1. I'm so uncomfortable making my own decisions. Seriously, as stupid as that sounds, it's true. I find myself being incredibly apologetic for being myself. I make excuses a lot, or try to base my decisions on what someone else would have me do. I get nervous talking to new people. It is so weird that I am 21 and just now beginning to grow comfortable in my own skin/ growing up and taking responsibility for myself. I make my own decisions. That feels good.

2. New people are really good. I wish I could just listen to people talk about their lives all the time.

3. I slouch to be unnoticed/not taller than anyone else. This results in a bad back, the fueling of crappy confidence and a preggo-looking stomach. So I'm working on my posture.

4. I freaking don't know how to eat. So when I went to the store on Thursday, I bought zucchini and bell peppers and other produce that would probably be better for me than granola bars, cookies and cheese tortillas.

5. I love Wall-E. No other robot has captured my heart so; of this I am certain.

Also, I came home to spend time with my family, and my mom and I watched Silence of the Lambs. bahaha. I was actually really impressed, and I thought it was well done.

theee end.

With love and home,
Megan

Disclaimer: This post contains serious girliness and emotional involvement. Content not suitable for children or wishy-washy boys.

I am still in my little aqua dress, with curly hair and ouchy feet and happy thoughts that I want to blog about (clearly). No matter that I have a paper to write. This will take fiiive minutes. Really.

Nancy and Will got married today (yaaay!) and I am just so overwhelmed with their perfectness for each other. It's been such a long time coming! And there was so much joy in their faces, in anticipation of spending the rest of their lives together. During one of the songs, I looked over and they were holding hands, eyes closed, softly singing along together. It was so beautiful.


Recently, I've been thinking a lot about marriage/engagement/weddings and the excitement that I want to have in those parts of my life. In these thoughts and daydreams and such, I didn't really touch on the fact that I am going to invest myself in this person, that I am going to trust him with my life. But when I go to these weddings and witness the immense love that is shared by two people, my heart leaps with excitement to think that one day this might happen to me. I so crave a strong, Biblical marriage. I don't want to set myself up to be disappointed or to expect too much, but thinking about being able to share my life with a man I can trust and joyfully serve puts a grin on my face and dreams in my head.

I have had a lot of recurring dreams about my wedding day, and in every one I am totally not ready or wanting to get married at all. I would wake up tense and full of anxiety and simultaneous relief that it was only a dream. This week I had a dream about my wedding day, and I wasn't necessarily giddy beyond belief or anything, but I was so glad. Just completely sure that I was making the right choice with someone whose face I couldn't see. But it was someone I trusted fully, and someone I was fully ready to spend my life loving. It was one of those dreams where you can't see the man's face, but you know his character and who he is. It was a nice change of dream-pace.

It's really nice to think that there's someone out there that I could joyfully commit my life to.

With love and wayyyyyy too much girliness,
Megan

crap. I still haven't started my paper.

(in no particular order)

-The feeling of sun on your skin (and sun-colored skin)
-Fireflies at dusk
-Fireworks and the light they cast on peoples' faces.
-Cool nighttime air
-Fun nighttime outings that make you feel like a socialite.
-Clutch purses (they may not be exclusively summery, but I still like them)
-Tank tops
-The feeling of being slightly more liberated, even if you're still in school and working
-Lots of weddings
-Baseball games
-Flip flops
-Being OUTSIDE
-Swimming, and the fact that you have a bigger range of movement when you're in water.
-Laying in the sun after swimming to dry off (as Sandy says, "like a lizard").
-The fact that it's light until approximately 9 p.m.
-Windows down and music loud
-I think people smile more and laugh heartier in the summer. I don't know why I think this.
-Watermelon milkshakes from Cookout (July-August only). (I know it sounds gross to mix milkshakeyness with watermelon, but it is SO good.)
-Christmas lights plus foliage.

Things I do not love: the fact that I'm working at 9:30 in the morning tomorrow. Bummer, dude.

With love and a crazy busy/awesome weekend,
Megan

I love summer. I've spent a couple of evenings the past week sitting out by Barnes and Noble, reading or doing work or journaling or whatever. I always forget how much I love being outside. I walked back to my car around dusk tonight, and the sky seemed bigger, more vast than usual. My eyes were just fixed on the dark blue clouds, and my heart was quiet and I just breathed deeply and it was lovely.

I'm learning a lot about prayer lately, and how it's so irresponsible of me not to pray. Not that I ought to pray in order to be a more responsible/"better" person, but that's just something that comes along with it. We have been given the opportunity to just sit and talk with God, and He chooses to let us be a part of making history by praying fervently. How irresponsible to let that opportunity go to waste, and how un-loving of me to fail to pray for those around me, and those I haven't even met yet. There is a dire need for Christians to pray, and pray with belief.

Just a thought.

I really can't wait to decorate my new room, but more so, I just really miss my big world wall map. It's such a faithful reminder of how small I am, and how much of the world there is to see and experience and love and share Jesus with. And I'm going to paint my walls green and sleep soundly in my own bed.

I just started second summer session, and I'm going to make a countdown calendar. This class may just suck the life out of me (Lab Research Psyc). Three hours a day. So much time to be talking about statistics and data analysis (which sounds like Chandler's job).

I also got a new phone that looks like an egg. It's no iPhone, but I like it a lot, and it doesn't take 15 minutes of plugging and unplugging and turning on and off to get it to charge every night! Yess!

I think I will go get a new grown-up license tomorrow.

With love and new earrings,
Megan

Or something.

I just typed up (and deleted) a few paragraphs about ideal situations for the future-- where I'd be based, what I'd like to do. I feel like I'm kind of beating a dead horse with these things, but it's what I keep dreaming of. I'm realizing though, that while dreaming and planning are fantastic, it's really not up to me where I'll be in a year. I am going to grow so much in this year, and I am thinking about this past year and where it has taken me.

A year ago, I was in summer school (some things never quit being necessary) and preparing for Italy. I was living at home. I was experiencing my first summer away from New Life Camp, and that broke my heart. I wasn't working, but I was so stressed out because I wanted to work, and I felt super-guilty about having a grand total of like $500 to help finance a semester abroad. I was thrilled, scared, emotional, feeling unfit for the adventure before me.

I don't think I was ever fit to go, but since I've been back, I've felt so much more capable of being on my own. Once I get an income sufficient to live off of, I'll be able to budget. I would be totally ok to travel almost anywhere by myself (at least anywhere with the same alphabet; Greece was a bit difficult). After riding an overnight bus to a tiny town in Southern Italy all by myself, I think I'll be ok. [This reminds me, I never wrote a blog entry about that, because it was a surprise for my Dad and I didn't want him to find out. I'll have to get on that.] But I'm hoping I become more prepared during my senior year-- more prepared with photography, managing finances (and time), continuing to build strong relationships with people and learning more about where they come from.

It's going to be a good year.

In other news: I'm starting to save for my next European adventure. It's raining, finally, and I love the sound of it pounding on leaves and on the roof outside my bedroom. This means I can't climb out on my roof tonight, but that's ok. And I'm home, lying on the couch, typing on my mac, and watching princess diaries on abc family.

With love and rain and wishing I was in Firenze,
Megan

That has nothing to do with this post, but I do. So there.

So my car is going to cost $700 to fix, and I'm pretty upset. We don't have that money right now! Blah! In addition to this, I'm getting some pretty sweet time off work next week, but I need the hours. I also need something akin to a Honda that doesn't cost $80 to fill up.

Also, Goodnight Goodnight by Maroon 5 starts with the same notes as Kryptonite by...whoever, 3 doors down? That's weird.

Lately, I've been seeing God in so much, and I'm really starting to see that I need Him desperately and just can't be anything good in myself. I'm such a sucky person. But He is so beautiful and continues to be all I need and way more.

Something that continues to frustrate me is my lack of eloquence when I speak. For some reason, everything I say comes out as 1. really jumbled, like I don't know what the heck I'm even trying to say, or 2. A captain obvious comment. I hate that. I think the fact that I have so many things going on in my head makes it difficult to filter out what to say. I wish I had more organized thoughts/speech.

Ok. Clinical psychology paper time. Ready... go!

with love and ten thousand thoughts,
Megan

p.s. I took a nap at home today, and I cannot wait to bring my big bed to the apartment in August. It is glorious.

Rachel came and told me good night, and I totally thought it was 9 or 10. It was 12:15. I am so not tired.

It's ok, because tomorrow I don't have my first class, so I can sleep in. I also have Bible study, which I'm pretty excited about, too.

I finished A Thousand Splendid Suns today. I feel extra-accomplished when I finish big books like that. It was so good. I cried some, especially when Tariq... well, I don't want to ruin it for you. Here is one of my favorite little dialogues:

"Your father is a good man. He is the best man I've ever known."
"What if he leaves?" Aziza said.
"He will never leave. Look at me, Aziza. Your father will never hurt you, and he will never leave."
The relief on Aziza's face broke Laila's heart.

I think that everyone is at least a little jaded and broken, and to know that a love will be permanent almost seems unreal. And we want so badly to believe that this can be true for us. For a lot of people, I guess that's found in a familial relationship, or in a marital relationship. But it's so wonderful to know that God will never fail us. We will never be let down by Him. We might feel neglected by Him sometimes, or feel like He isn't there, but His character is consistency, and He will never hurt us or leave us. We are so, so precious to Him.

I think God's beginning to break down a stronghold in my heart, and I'm really thankful for that. It seems really trivial at face value, but it's a big deal in that it's really been consuming my thoughts, so I'm so glad that I can just put it behind me.

On a random sidenote, If I had a plane ticket to just about anywhere right now, I'd go. I think this is true most of the time, but I felt like saying it. So there you go.

With love and a busy schedule,
Megan

It has been a long time since I've stayed up too late reading a book that I can't put down. It actually makes me wish I could read faster so I can find out what happens faster. I love books like that. It's A Thousand Splendid Suns, by the way. And it's great.

Yesterday was a fantastic day. I had the day off work, so I went to the pool and swam and tanned (which will make no apparent difference), and then I went to campfire and saw wonderful people and fun campers, and I really missed it. I miss being a part of something so important. I know God has other important things for me, but I wish I could be there for one more summer. Something about camp soothes me. It's home.

I'm skipping class today. I'm going to bake cupcakes for a roomie's birthday and mayyybe go to the pool, and then work until 11. Wooohoo.

And read.

With love and missing things,
Megan

I've become really dissatisfied with myself lately. Not only do I feel like I haven't been learning like I should, but I also find myself wasting a lot of time. I'll sit on my computer or watch a disk of Friends episodes after class. Which is fine, but not what I need to be doing so often.

I am not even close to the kind of person I want to be-- need to be-- to achieve the kind of dreams that I have. Granted, I can't do those things in my own strength, but I am not preparing myself to be used in that capacity. My relationship with God isn't near where it needs to be. My discipline sucks. I'm not serving others like I ought to. I have a list of 46 books I want to read. And I know there's so many more out there to be read and to learn from. People to listen to and understand.

When did I decide that being lazy was more worth my time? And when did I decide that thinking about really trivial things was the way to spend my life?

I guess it's good that I'm not satisfied with where I am. I never want to be. But I'd like to know I'm using my life as I should. Ya know?

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse with this, but I just need to be reminded of my complacency a lot because I won't get off my butt and do something important.

I'm going to go read outside now.

Sidenote: William Fitzsimmons is wonderful. So are The Elms, but you already knew that.

With love and sun,
Megan

I'm getting kinda chubs. So here is my resolution: I'm going to work out at least 30 minutes 4 times a week at Rock Creek.

This just needed to be documented. That is all.

I'm sitting in Graham Memorial on a big, soft leather couch. My jeans are rolled up because it's raining, and the sky is gray, but bright. I have an hour until my next class starts, and I have my first Clinical Psyc midterm behind me.

I also don't have my contacts in, and everything is real blurry.

I realized that the peak of my morning is when I first step outside of the apartment. After about 30 minutes of rushing to get ready (following 20 minutes of snooze-button-pushing) I grab two special k waffles out of the toaster and rush out the door. Then, the warmth of the morning hits me. I see trees and sky and breathe summer air. Of course, then I have to rush to catch the bus. But those few moments of being outside are really wonderful. On cloudy days like today, the air is rich with the smell of rain. I wish I could be outdoors more often.

Maybe sometime soon I'll have my "campus is the most beautiful in the summer" rant.

In an attempt to be frugal, I started getting my checking account balance sent to me every morning. There are a lot of things I want to save for. Both things I want to buy soon and things that are way far into the future that I just need to have funds for.

40 minutes till class. The thing I love about Graham Memorial is that it makes me feel like I go to an Ivy League school. The couches are soft leather ones that could have easily been here 50 years ago. Everything is very brown and elegant.

This place suits my mood right now. But I would really like to be in wilderness right now-- maybe in a field in the middle of nowhere. With a warm breeze. And maybe a trustworthy hand to hold. And that reminds me. I think I've been really afraid of marriage, for myself anyway. When I see people getting engaged and married, I feel like it is something incredibly foreign to me, to be engaged and truly happy. To be confident, even excited about spending my life with someone. Because, honestly, the connotation I have with myself getting engaged or married is sheer anxiety and panic. To imagine myself being proposed to, and myself being full of inexplicable joy, is something I see as too good to be true. To good to happen for me. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go. But at least I'm aware of my skepticism, I suppose. And maybe it will help me see when I am in the right relationship with the right person. I just need to get rid of that baggage at some point.

Hm. That was more of a rant than I was planning on. Oh well.

I'm really hungery mungery.

With love and bare feet,
Megan

Maybe not THE best lyrics that have ever been written on the face of the earth, but they are really good, okay!

I'm going to go answer an incredibly unrealistic environmental ethics dilemma and eat raspberry yogurt with too many seeds in it.

That'll show ya.

With love and pink sunglasses,
Megan

The answer is no.

Except maybe Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite. That one's pretty trippy. But I like it, anyhow.

This morning, Sandy (my new roommate from Mexico) came to church with me! She was pretty skeptical beforehand. She had only been to catholic mass before, and this was usually to accompany weddings or holidays. Walking in to Summit, her first words were, "This is like a party!" She really liked the service, especially the worship and the fact that J.D. explained how to apply scripture. I was really excited. This is how the church should be!!

This is the week of weddings!! One tomorrow, one Saturday. And one in less than a month! Everyone is so growing up! I can't even believe it.

It's funny how people the same age can be at such different stages of life. Some are so ready to enter a lifelong commitment with someone they love. Some trying to figure out how to live week to week. Some who are trying to figure out life after graduation. Some who have been on their own since they were 17.

People have such different experiences, and I love to hear their stories. I love the uniqueness and understanding that comes with being human. We all feel so similarly as a result of different circumstances that brought us to that place.

I'm reading The Horse and His Boy. I like it so much. I'm almost finished.

And I officially have a place to live come August 1!

And I get to celebrate the joy of my friends throughout the summer!

Beautiful.

With love and honeysuckles,
Megan

There have been different concepts floating around in my head the past few days. I think I would like to make them into poetry (blank verse?) or music. I need to bring my keyboard to the new apt. in August. Maybe I'll re-learn guitar. Whenever I fail to exercise creativity (like I have failed to write in my journal since who knows when), It's like I've forgotten part of myself, or let something lie dormant, unused, neglected.


Disclaimer: This is a theraputic paragraph. You can skip it.
Voglio tornare a l'Italia. Mi manca. Tutto-- viaggare, scrivere, vedere le cose nuove. Non posso vedere niente tanta maestosa come la vista di Firenze della Piazzale di Michelangelo. Non posso camminare sulle strade che diventavono tante familiare. Ho bisogno di tornare. O, a meno, ho bisogno di fare cosa importante, avventurosa, nuova, meravigliosa con la mia vita.

Sometimes I just need to think in Italian for a minute. Is that really dumb? Do I need to just move on?

In other news, I'm in an environmental ethics class that makes me read 60 pages every night about corn, and it makes me not want to eat beef (the typical cattle factory farm procedure is super-cruel). I really like burgers and steak, though. But I'm really sad for the cows that lead really crappy lives.

This is where my "I would have been a really good hippie minus the hard drugs and free love" side kicks in.

And I bought earrings with birds on them.

With love and multigrain cheerios,
Megan

I've been listening to "fever" over and over again. It's on the Dan in Real Life soundtrack, which I have also been listening to compulsively. This Icelandic guy does most of the songs, and he's just fantastic. Good job, Iceland.

Bristol and I went to the beach yesterday (and experienced the most fantastic weather EVER, just so you know). And I bought a hemp necklace, which takes me back to high school days when I used to make them. That was fun times. But it was really nice to be away, on the sand (and in it), walking with a strong breeze swirling about me.

Bristol knows that's the biggest understatement of the century.

I got my class ring last week. It's so scary/exciting/thrilling/sad that I'm gonna be graduating in a year. I'm actually getting really excited about it. The world is so open to you. You can just hop a plane to Africa or who knows where. Ok, so you have to get a work visa and all that jazz, but that's really amazing. Gosh, I'm excited.

I'm reading Ezekiel right now, which, it turns out, is a real bummer a lot of the time. Lots about God's judgment and wrath. But one thing that sticks out to me is how Ezekiel asks God, essentially, "Why do you have to do this? I don't understand." And God responds by addressing the severity of sin as well as His power-- the fact that He is holy and always just. It's hard to think about God being simultaneously just and full of mercy. I'm so glad that He is both of these. And I'm so glad for Jesus, who made a way for both justice and mercy by giving himself for me. I am so happy for how the gospel fits everything together!!! It makes so much sense, and it is such a part of everything-- from our innate desire for justice to nature to sex to the order of things in the universe.

Isn't it really great how beautiful and strong and totally beyond comprehension God is?

With love and purple flowers,
Megan

One astronomy exam stands between me and 5 days of freedom. Huzzah. I have never been so demotivated to study for anything, ever. Not only have I squeaked by with a C- on each exam in this class so far, but I really don't know much of anything from this class. When did my brain become this incapable of retaining knowledge? I don't even know.

I just moved into my roommate's room (which doesn't seem to make sense-- all it means is that I get my own room in the apartment for the summer, and that makes me happy). The only downside is that a big poster of Johnny Depp is always watching me. I might have to do something about that.

I've been way too focused on relationships and the future lately. I'm sure the series on Song of Solomon at Summit didn't help that. But it's been consuming my mind-- evaluating the current state of things, thinking about what my marriage would be like one day, thinking of how I probably wouldn't be able to simultaneously date someone and do all these crazy things I want to do after college. I think I keep finding other things to occupy my mind with instead of being enveloped in God and the things He wants to teach me, especially in this new time of singleness and real freedom to do anything. It's funny how the thing I should be freed of ends up finding a way to creep back in and distract me from what I should be doing.


With love and music,
Megan

I may just be totally procrastinating from studying for my two exams tomorrow, but I have been really frustrated about not knowing what I'm passionate about doing for the rest of my life (other than serving God and telling people about Him, of course). And I've been really emotional lately about missing Europe. I look through my pictures, and sometimes I get really, really frustrated with them. I couldn't really figure out why. But I think it's because I long so strongly to go back there. To be there, not just look at pictures of where I have been. To be a part of the culture and observe and learn and revel in beauty. To continue to do so, not just look back and remember that time I went there and did this amazing thing. I don't think I can live with this one experience just being a memory.

This might have been obvious, but I think my passion (or at least one of them) might be travel.

And I feel really comfortable saying that.

I feel like this is a really dumb thing to say. But it was kind of a "this makes sense" thing for me. And it can manifest itself in missions, writing, photography...

I don't know.

With love and something off my chest,
Megan

I bought new jeans yesterday. Something about wearing a new pair of really great jeans makes life good. And a shirt that's a color you haven't worn before.

Things are going to be changing soon... good change, though. Summer is here, and in less than a week I will be soaking up a week of freedom-- beach trips, reading the rest of the Chronicles of Narnia, knowing that my hardest semester is behind me and that, despite a few Cs, I came out ok (knock on wood). And in a few months, it will be August, I will be living in a new apartment, have my own room (with green walls), bring my comfiest bed in the world, hang up my Swedish star lamp and open the windows and start up my senior year of college.

My time at the DTH is probably over, and I'm kind of relieved. At the end there, I was kind of consistently getting some photos in the paper, so it ended on a good note. I'm being continually stretched at Apple. Kind of really discouraged sometimes because I'm not a computer genius like most of the people I work with. I'm learning, though, and I guess I would prefer it to a job where I am not growing at all. It's real hard, though.

I have four exams to go, and one "vocalization" and placement for voice lessons next semester (so stoked)! In six days, I will be totally done, and a freaking senior in college!!! Woah, woah, where did these three years go?

So now, I must put off the urge to watch a season of Gilmore Girls or Friends and really buckle down and study childhood disorders and media law. Ready, go!

With love and Pasta-Roni (which is, as it turns out, not good at all),
Megan

I close my eyes and imagine myself walking from my apartment in Florence to LdM. The whole walk, down my stairs, out the door and the swirly gate, and down the cobblestones of Via San Gallo. Walking through San Lorenzo market early in the morning when they're just setting up. And walking back home from the girls' apartment on Via Maggio late at night, with the Ponte Vecchio all lit up.

It really hurts my heart that it's over.

With love and missing it,
Megan

Seriously, please read this right now. I cannot stop reading and laughing and thinking, "oh my gosh that is SO true!"

Current favorites include: "trust falls," "refusing to paint my mural," "the 'pray if you feel led prayer'" and "being slightly less nice than Mormons."

I love it when the seasons change. Spring is here now, and that makes me happy. I love how wisteria climbs on trees and street signs, and how you can smell it faintly when you drive with windows down. And I love the yellow-green leaves unfurling all over the trees, and how the scenery along I-40 is much less barren.

I am really happy with the way things are going right now. I went to my first Summit Bible study last night, and I am so excited about being able to go every week! I'm in a group with girls who are in their twenties. I'm the youngest by about a year, but I am thrilled to learn from everyone else in my Bible study. At Summit, J.D. has been preaching a sermon series on the Song of Solomon, which is surprisingly REALLY refreshing for me to hear, especially after breaky-uppy-ness. I know I am not going to get married for several years, but a big point he's emphasizing is depending on God for completion and wholeness, because a man will never meet my needs completely, even if he's next to perfect. And he talks about "not dating until you're ready not to date"-- meaning finding your identity in God and being okay with singleness. I think I'm really ok with being single right now. And I'm really glad for being able to use this time to really find who I am in Christ, and discover more of who He is.

Yay.

I probably ought to be listening to my professor, but for some reason, Astronomy class is always the time I feel like writing. Hm. And how am I supposed to pay attention to this? (Seriously. This is real-time, folks.)

Tonight, I don't have a DTH shift, which I'm pretty glad for, because I want to go to Panera and get some hot chocolate and write my Polisci paper. Ooh, but I actually got a Daily Tar Heel assignment last week (yaaay!) and drove with a reporter to Winston-Salem to take pictures of the Rev. Jesse Jackson, which was pretty baller. AND it got in the paper. Hecks yes.

I can't wait until May 12. Beach trip!

With love and crosswords and not paying attention at all,
Megan

My photos keep not getting into the paper, and it's making me kind of frustrated. I can't say that I'm really impressed with my own work, either. I'm just not passionate about what I'm shooting at all. I think that 1. I need more experience/teaching, and 2. I would like to do travel or freelance photography and photo stories. Something to drive me, not a random feature that probably won't get into the paper.

I'm bitter, oops!

But now I'm over it.

I'm reading The Dream Giver again. I love that book, and I'm hoping to maybe identify my dream a little bit more after reading it. I'm also reading A Problem from Hell, which is about genocide. And I'm in the middle of Catch-22 and a Beth Moore book about Paul. I'm pretty bad about starting ten thousand books without finishing others. And there are so many other books that I want to read!! Like Flowers for Algernon and Great Expectations (again) and Wuthering Heights and UnChristian and the Chronicles of Narnia and something by Henri Nouwen.

I'm also good at overwhelming myself.

Copeland is good.

With love and 4 hours until work,
Megan

My professor keeps saying "point of no return," so now Phantom of the Opera is stuck in my head, and I keep replaying it. In addition to this, the frat boy beside me keeps snorting, and that's eww-gross. But I will try to write out my thoughts anyway.

This week has been tough, but it's been good. I need to lean on God more instead of trying to depend on myself, which never works out. I am so repeatedly learning this, and you think that it would stick by now. How stubborn and stupid! Bleh!

The semester's end is nearing, and I'm really glad for this. I'm doing summer school again this summer to lighten my load for senior year, and it will be REALLY great to get lab research psychology done in five weeks! And environmental ethics and clinical psychology. Clinical psyc, I am really excited about, because if I end up pursuing psychology in the long-run, that's what I want to do. And doesn't clinical psychology sound so scholarly?

I'm pretty much done with exams until finals, which makes me feel really good. Exams are sooo stressful and life-killing. I can breathe a tiny bit now. Phew!

And my birthday! My birthday was really wonderful. My roomies decorated the apartment and made me a pie and sang happy birthday to me, and I got lots of "happy birthdays" on campus, and in the evening I went home, because my parents' anniversary is the same day, so we had a happy family dinner. Mom and I made fresh pasta (from scratch, heck yes), and it was amazing. I got a lot of great apartment stuff for next year-- kitchen-y things, mainly, and GLORIOUS NEW SHEETS. I can't wait to take my comfiest-bed-on-earth to my new apartment.

And I went shopping the next day and bought my strawberry cropped trench jacket!

The end.

With love and scattered thoughts,
Megan